Then Comes the Baby in the Baby Carriage

My Easter was so glum and colorless and eggless this year. I have always made it a tradition for myself to color eggs for Easter. Whether I was a kid, teenager or even now as an adult. Last year it didn't matter that I didn't have anyone to hide them for they were still fun to decorate and take pictures of.

This year I didn't do it. It wasn't a very conscious decision, or at least I didn't think it was until today. Today I realized I intentionally did not color eggs because I didn't need yet another reminder of what I didn't have. I had enough of a reminder with hearing the carloads of family driving in to visit my neighbors.

My husband and I felt so left out today. We don't have any family that live close by so having a big family dinner was not an option. We had developed a tradition during Easter to make a pot roast for the two of us but we didn't even do that this year.

So there we were this afternoon, just the two of us with our tv, eating pizza. Uh it was just awful. I've officially promised myself I will not downplay anymore holidays just because I don't have kids. I think not doing our usual thing made us more depressed.

So next year I'll have this blog post to remind myself to keep to our usual traditions and have fun! With or without kids.

Meanwhile I'm writing this while drinking ginger tea which is supposed to improve fertility and ease PMS symptoms. Yuck this stuff is not that great. The things we do!

Infertility and trying to conceive is such an involved process. Most of the time though doesn't it seem very one sided? We keep track of our temps, our cervical mucus, take the OPK's, watch out for the symptoms, tell our guys "it's time" do the deed then keep track again, I'm feeling this and that and how can two weeks seem like forever!

My husband is usually pretty aware of my cycle and where I'm at for the month. During OPK testing he'll ask "Was it positive?", then one day I finally tell him yes and we're BD every other day. Then there's the constant waiting and waiting and waiting only to get a BFN or feel and then see AF come and then there's having to tell him sorry, not this month and start all over again.

Well in all of this process I know I'm doing a lot of the work. He knows what I do but he doesn't know the small details like how I sneak in my opk into the bathroom with me at work, make sure no one else is in the restroom at the time to hear the "tear" of the packaging. The waiting around for the two minutes in the stall to wait for the results. The sneaking of my peed on a stick back into my office and into my purse and then me having to sneak and write on a post-it what cycle day it's for so I don't forget to mark it later. He doesn't know how internally psycho I get when I feel something in my body that I haven't felt before and get so psyched that this will be the month I finally get to tell him "It's positive, it worked!" Only to realize I psyched myself out . . . again.

This week we had an incident where I got too pushy and said "hurry up let's go we're running late we don't have time and we need to get this over with." Total turn off for the guy I guess, but you know sometimes it really is like a job, there are days where frankly I'm too tired but the chance that it might be that day that I conceive overcomes my exhaustion and we go for it. So my point is I just didn't understand why he couldn't just go for it and be done with it quick! I start to get upset and feel like I'm doing all the work all I ask if for two minutes to get this done with and you can't do that!

Well I know I was wrong, but at the moment that's what I was feeling and I just let it out. Then I got  thinking that he must feel just as frustrated as I do. I may be super involved everyday of my cycle but he must be having just as a hard time as I am. I have this outlet and this wonderful community of support and he, he only has me. Which frankly I feel bad because I know he needs someone to talk to. Unfortunately none of our friends are at this point of their lives yet, his family doesn't know, so he doesn't really have many options.

I remember listening to an interview on the Today show about this writer Marc Sedaka who recently wrote "What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting" I filed it away in my "I'll look that up later" and I didn't remember again until two days ago. On a whim I ordered the book for my husband hoping he would find some kind of solace in this book. Well it arrived today and he was actually really excited about it. I left to do some shopping and to give him some space to study for an exam he has on Monday. I come back home and surprised him with some Baskin Robbins (more my indulgence since they finally have baseball nut out again!). I expected to find him done with his studying and instead he was barely beginning. What the heck, so I asked what he was doing the whole time and he said he was reading that book and that he was halfway done with it. Wow! At first I thought he was kidding me but he wasn't.

He went on to explain everything he's read so far and how much he loved it. That's when I realized I had found the missing puzzle piece. Some support for him. Seeing him talk reminded me of myself when I discovered baby center and the blogging community. Knowing I wasn't the only one and that I wasn't alone. I'm just so very happy this worked for him, and really for us.

So check out the video clip below, they interview the couple (author and his wife). I was surprised to hear about their story. Success with twins via surrogacy and then they got pregnant on their own! Funny how things work out that way and it always seems to be tied back to the notion of "it will happen when you relax" Which I hate hearing by the way but it seems to work for some.

I can't relax, I'm just not there yet.

BTW I'm really glad I participated in ICLW this month. It's exposed me to so many more bloggers, and I have loved making new friends!

This is my first time participating in IComLeavWe! Welcome readers. I've just started my blog several weeks back and have found it to be a great outlet and good way of coping in the the land of IF. To the right you will see our story (the short version). Thanks for stopping by, I love chatting with fellow infertiles, it makes this journey a little bit easier. It's always nice to know you're not alone.



Fair - it's an early lesson you learn as a child. How to be fair when playing with others, being fair and sharing your toys, being fair when you said you'd split that candy bar. Fair. Well life is so not fair and at times it just plain sucks! You don't learn that lesson as a kid.

I'm so frustrated with myself and I finally broke down today. In trying to be strong and being okay sometimes I think I make it worse because when that first bit of tear wants to come out of my eye it's all downhill from there. I sound like a little girl that tripped and skidded her knees. I mean I'm wailing and all here. I get upset that I let myself get to that point.

This cycle was supposed to be good cycle. I had my HSG, everything came out good, so my chances of conceiving this cycle are supposed to be better than they have been since I had the "flush".

I'm beyond mad at my body because of all months I don't think I even ovulated this cycle or will ovulate. I started using clear blue digital opks (I used the non-digital CB in the past) so I never got my happy face instead I got that ugly O empty looking face. Well screw you too! It may very well be possible that I did ovulate but maybe tested too early? I don't know. I'm on CD 23 and have no clue what to expect in the next couple of days. All I know is that I'm super emotional and I can't stand it!

I traveled twice in the same week this month (more traveling then I do in a year sometimes) and I think that may have thrown my cycle off too. I thought going somewhere and relaxing would have helped me but instead I think it had the opposite effect.

On top of all of this I've had the worst week ever at work. It's just been awful and it finally got to me today. I never used to consider my job stressful but I've been coming home so exhausted that all I want to do is go straight to bed!

Then this whole Clomid thing and my doctor is really bothering me. Throughout all of the tests I had done I never spoke to my doctor again. The nurse would call me with my test results and tell me that everything looked good. For my HSG I thought my doctor was going to want to see me and consult on what to do next and where we go from here but NO instead I get a call from the nurse who tells me the doctor is ready to prescribe Clomid, she said she talked to you about it already. Uh Okay, thanks, I guess. I'm just so anxious to see a BFP that I will do anything but for the first time I feel I need to halt a little bit. First of all, am I asking too much by wanting to see my doctor to discuss these things, do I not at least deserve a phone call?

From what I have read most women are monitored while they start taking clomid to see the effects to the cycle, and uterine lining etc. Well it looks like I'm not getting any of that. Basically, here's some pills good luck! Thanks!

So I'm trying to do research on my own about clomid but you read so much online it can drive you crazy. My main concern is that I appear to not have any problems right now. Is taking this medication going to give me problems such as cysts etc? I've also read in many places that clomid reduces the uterine lining so how am I supposed to sustain a pregnancy?

So . . . life can be so unfair and sucky! Again, why me? Why was I the chosen one? I don't get it yet. I hope I do soon. I'm sorry this is such a pessimistic post but I've had it today.

I'm happy that tomorrow's Friday. I'm looking forward to the weekend to refresh and renergize and get myself together because frankly I'm a hot mess right now.

My husband and I were wrapping up a good weekend together with some grocery shopping for the week. We left the store excited to try a new recipe for dinner. On our way out I saw a pregnant women with a kid. As always, my immediate thought it "the plague" - that's what I call it, pregnant women everywhere. I'm working towards brushing incidents like this off since they tend to happen on a daily basis.

But then here's the kicker, this woman approaches my husband and I asking for money because her husband lost his job, they have no where to live and are hungry. She caught us so off guard. We had no cash, and were so stunned that we didn't even think to give her some of the food we had just purchased (Stupid! Again, we weren't thinking).

We rode the whole way home in silence. What the heck - here we are happy semi moving on for at least a minute, then we experience this encounter, and I think both of us were experiencing the same sea of emotions. It's so much I think I'm going to list them all:

Angry-Why does God let things like this happen. Here's a woman who already has one kid, another on the way and nothing to offer them! No home, no shelter, no food. No Fair.

Guilty- I felt so bad for feeling this way and having this be my first thought.

Dumb-For not going back in the store and getting her some food. I just jumped to not having cash to give her but it didn't cross my mind until later that I could have done at least that.

Jealous-This lady was in such an unfortunate circumstance, but yet I was so jealous of her for having a kid and one on the way.

Bothered-By the fact that I'm sure she's not the only one out there like this, and how awful and scary it must be to be in her shoes.

Mad-At her for dragging around her 7-8 year old son through this. He was running around in the parking lot trying to have fun, obviously clueless of what was going on. I was sad to think that one day I'm sure he'll remember and realize what was really going on.

Anyway this was a sucky thing to experience, and something I wish I wouldn't have seen. What was the lesson here. Appreciate what you have and don't dwell on what you don't have? I don't know. My head's been spinning since. Then I think was God testing me some how. Maybe I won't be worthy enough to have a child until I pass one of these "tests"? Again, my mind is crazy with thoughts and sometimes I really don't know what to think anymore.

Meanwhile I'm really trying to focus on Operation Smile. So far I think it's been working minus incidents as described above. I've really tried to focus on me, my husband and the now and try to enjoy everything we do even if it's a small thing. I'm trying to love life today.

A little frustrated with the body right now since it seems I have yet to ovulate and I'm already five days behind schedule or it very well may possibly be operator error since I'm using new OPK's. I hope it's the latter.

I check out. I am okay. I had my HSG done last Tuesday. It was everything I expected it to be, nerve wrecking, scary, and provided answers, somewhat.

I have to say that the staff at the outpatient center made me feel very comfortable and helped calm my nerves some. Most helpful was my nurse Margaret. Margaret was so nice and since you can't have your mom sit there and hold your hand through the procedure, she did, which was very comforting.

A thing I did not expect was to have a male doctor doing the procedure. It never crossed my mind as a possibility. I've been lucky to have only female obgyns all my life and was comfortable with that. When I found out I would have a male doctor I was a little apprehensive. He turned out to be great, and made me feel comfortable. He was young, I wasn't expecting that.

The procedure itself was everything like what I had read. He inserted the the catheter and with the inflation of the little balloon to hold it in place I felt a little pressure, more like feeling like I had to go pee. He started inserting the iodine and that didn't hurt like I expected to. My left tube cleared right away, nothing was coming out of the right yet thought so the doctor said he would insert more to create more pressure. Holy crap when he did that then it finally hurt. Awful cramp and more than anything I just wanted to move but I couldn't. With that extra iodine my right tube finally cleared. The pressure released as soon as he took everything out. He said more than likely there were some lesions in the left tube but that it wouldn't be a problem anymore since everything was now clear and looked good. I didn't have any scar tissue, no polyps, nothing.

Although this is good news it still didn't answer the big questions. Why haven't I gotten pregnant? My only guess is that maybe I mostly ovulate on the right side and since that tube was not super clean it just wasn't working. This month and the two thereafter will really be the test to that. To be honest I am now really hoping and expecting that I will get pregnant soon. If I don't then I'm really screwed. Then I'm that 10% unexplained infertility which to me seems more frustrating then having a condition that I can work on fixing.

Here's to hoping and I am very hopeful this month. I've been on vacation since Wednesday, spent four days in San Francisco and four days now in Las Vegas while DH is at a conference. Meanwhile I'm really enjoying everything the Wynn resort has to offer. That includes being lazy next to the pool all day. I'm on CD 14 and expect to ovulate within the next three days. It very well maybe that we conceive in Vegas. Winner Winner Chicken Dinner! (At least I hope!)

On another note, I did not read anywhere how sore I would feel after the HSG. I had a hard time explaining the feeling to DH but it felt like a bruise, a big bruise in that area. It lasted about 2-3 days. I thought I would be ready to get down and busy that same day but I was in too much pain. I also expected to be discharging iodine for a few days and I didn't, at all . . . weird?

At the moment, I still need to meet with my doctor to discuss the HSG results, but from previous conversations I know her next step was going to be putting me on Clomid. DH and I have discussed the possibility of multiples and decided what we would do if that were to happen. The doctor wanted to make sure we were on the same page before taking Clomid.

I am a bit worried about taking Clomid. I'm so punctual with my cycles and I know I'm ovulating so what the heck is Clomid going to do to me. All questions for the doc I guess.

I'm wrapping up my vacation tomorrow. Back to reality but at least I got a refresh and I'll be ready to deal with this cycle ahead of me.

My kids . . . for now, Dash, Odie, and Milo. I love my boys!

I'm scheduled to have my HSG exam tomorrow. I am not as nervous as I anticipated I would be - I feel more curious than anything.

I'm curious to know if I will have answers tomorrow.

So far I've had my CD3 blood test - everything came back normal, no PCOS, good ovarian reserve, no thyroid problem. Hubby's SA came back normal all his numbers were within the normal range.  So now . . . it's just getting through this HSG. My cycles are very punctual and as each goes by I worry more and more about what is actually wrong with ME. I just feel so helpless at times. I want answers but at the same time I am so scared to know.

When I got my period last week I thought I was okay. Only to completely break down the next day after I got a phone call from my vet telling my one of my three dogs has a thyroid problem on top of having epilepsy and a heart murmur. All I felt was "really, are you kidding me!" "Can't You just leave me alone!" Sometimes I find it hard to not be mad at Him. Then I feel guilty for having those thoughts. Blah, it's just something I'm still working to get through.

On another note it's very nice to see infertility issues being addressed more on television. Grey's Anatomy has touched on it some with Meredith having trouble conceiving after a miscarriage. I thought they were doing a poor job of showcasing the emotions that come with all of this but thought they nailed it last week when Meredith shares her frustrations with her husband Derek:

"Yesterday, at the baby shower… I was jealous of Callie. Because she got pregnant without trying. And we try. I get shots, I take my temperature, I put my legs in the air… And nothing. The universe has screwed you, Meredith. And gives Callie a kid. And then puts Callie through a windshield. I mean, what the hell is going on? What's the point? I mean, is there a reason for this? Because if you can think of a reason, any reason at all why the universe is so screwed up, and random and mean… Now it'd be an amazingly good time to tell me because I really need some answers…''

 Meredith pretty much summed it up. Of course emotional me started crying. I applaud her for her acting because when she started talking about how she felt I saw myself. Even the way she covered her mouth when she began to cry - I saw myself. Always trying to keep it in, staying strong and even as those tears start to poke out you keep fighting the urge and try to keep it all in.

I also like to watch Parenthood and a couple on that show is going through infertility issues and in the last episode Julia and Joel go through the testing phase.  Joel afraid it may be him with the problem celebrates when he finds out he isn't the problem. At the end of the episode Julia discovers she has intrauterine scarring making it difficult for them to conceive. She breaks down and says "Sorry, I'm so sorry" to Joel. Again, I saw myself. Sometimes when I cry with my husband I keep apologizing because I feel this is so my fault and I hate that I cannot give him a baby. Again - an issue I have to work on and move on from.

Well all in all it feels good to not be alone, this is an awful club to be part of but it's not just me, and that makes me feel a little bit better.