Then Comes the Baby in the Baby Carriage

I still haven't been able to pull myself out of my funk.  I'm still upset/mad at my body. I know I'm feeling and doing everything I shouldn't be.  I'm on CD 38 and 17 DPO. I tested on Saturday - BFN, I tested this morning - BFN. My temps are still high and there's no sign of AF anywhere! All I feel is extremely tired with no energy and sad.  I know that if I was pregnant I should have been able to get a positive test by no. So I'm pretty sure I'm not. In that case where the hell are you AF. Let's get this over with so we can move on.

Instead I'm stuck in limbo. I really thought I would be over this by now but instead when I saw the negative this morning my rage came back. I woke up so excited this morning thinking there would be good news and instead the usual. I went back to bed not wanting to leave it. I did not feel like working today or seeing anyone for that matter, but suffering from this ugly disease we have no choice right. We have to wake up every morning and live in this world like nothing is wrong with us and nothing is hurting inside.

As I was laying bed this morning listening to the news in the background I heard about a lady that tossed her seven month old over a parking structure. What the hell is wrong with people. The day before a man shot and killed his 14 month old daughter.

As much as I try to justify what is happening with me by believing that there is a reason behind it and that my time will come I can't help but ask WHY? when things like I heard on the news happen. Why were those children sent to those awful parents and not ME!

I also woke up this morning after my test wishing I would have never seen that BFP last month. It's destroyed me. I know what it feels like now and like someone with an addiction I want to have that feeling again and I'm not getting it. Getting that positive last month through me off balance.

This whole time as hopeful and as much as I want this I had only ever prepared to get negatives because month after month that's what happens and that's what I've focused on dealing with. I never thought about what it would feel like to finally get that positive and get it ripped from you in a matter of days. I never planned for how I would feel and how I would cope with the subsequent month in which I thought I would see a positive again.

My life has always been about plans and goals, and as you can see this all was not in my plan and it is very much out of my control. The only thing I could control is how I dealt with it month after month and now I just feel lost almost like in limbo.

I just pray that in the near future (any day now) I can find my way back to the positive person I was just a few weeks back.

Thank you for sticking with me through this rough patch.

Hope is all we really have. I painted this tile after my miscarriage. I thought it was a nice way to not forget but remember to have hope.

As you can see I haven't posted much since this happened. At the time it happened my parents and sister were visiting us for two weeks. Now that they're gone I can see they helped me get through this. They distracted me, kept me busy, made me happy, made me remember what life felt like before this new life. Since they left I have missed them more than ever and just the other day I realized that it was because once they left I came back down to earth and to my reality.

They're timing was just right smack in the middle of my two week wait. My period is due tomorrow and I have never felt so anxious, and apprehensive about it. What happened to me last month . . . I think I felt okay with it since it was the farthest I have ever gotten, what made me feel better is that I thought if I could get that far two months into this treatment next month it would for sure work.

I don't think it's happening this month and I feel her coming. She's like the grim reaper comes and kills me more and more month after month. As every month comes and goes I thought I was going to be okay until two days ago I was at work on my lunch and I started choking up and then the water works came. I don't know where this comes from but I started sobbing uncontrollably by myself in my office. While it was happening I couldn't believe I was having such a breakdown and honestly it scared me. I had to take deep breaths to calm myself down since I figure any minute someone would be knocking on my door needing me. This cry was different, it was full of pain and I could actually see it. I had cried after the miscarriage but nothing like this. I think this time I actually mourned my baby. Many people have different opinions of when life actually begins, but my little cell was my baby and it could've been but wasn't.

I have been feeling very very sad and cannot describe it in any better way.

After reflecting I think I know what triggered me. The day before my boss came in to my office (she knows what's going on) and asked me how I felt about her talking about babies and mothers, that if I preferred for her not to mention it around me, that I didn't mind or just didn't care and that she wanted to know because she wanted to be sensitive to my feelings.

Well what do you say to that, she caught me so off guard because no one has been considerate of my feelings. I told her I didn't mind and that it's almost impossible to predict how I will feel because it really depends on the time of the month it is.

That said she told me about one of our coworkers on campus that announced she was pregnant and thought I should know since I work with her every once in a while. This person is not the kindest person you'll ever meet and to be honest she's quite rude, condescending and very unpleasant. Of course there are many people like this in this world and I always try and treat people with respect and treat them nicely since that's what I would like in return.

The next morning (day of my sobbing episode) this lady calls me and begins the conversation with "You'll be sorry you answered this call" she proceeded to dump on me for a mistake that happened within my department, started yelling at me and said I was giving her heart palpitations. Uh . . . okay. There is no reason anyone should have to put up with that crap and I usually have a little more leeway for anyone who is my superior but she so is not, but I still did not stoop to her level and kept my cool, solved the problem and got her the heck off the phone.

Immediately as I was having this conversation I thought to myself why does this beezy get to be a mother and I don't!!!!! She doesn't deserve to be a mother. I don't think I have to continue with how I felt and why since I imagine many of you have felt this way one time or another. I know my feelings are wrong but I can't help feeling this way.

So I think the events that lined up the day before and ended with that call is what lead to my heartbreaking sob and realization that this may not happen for me this month or next month or anytime soon. I don't think I've ever cried for such a long period of time where I had even stopped and just thinking about it again made my eyes water. After 30 minutes I made an escape to the bathroom to finish cleaning up my eyes. On the way back one of my good coworkers saw me and knew right away something was up. She also knows and to my luck she studies psychology so she really helped me "recover" for the moment.

I also have to say that I did not tell many of my friends that know of my struggle about my miscarriage. The first friend I told said "Awwww, how are the dogs". I was so heartbroken! This is when I needed her the most and she didn't do crap to console me. That kind of made me shut down and keep this all to myself.

IF sucks in all aspects. My husband has been so supportive through all of this including helping out with the chores of the house since I just come home and veg all afternoon.

I'm worried about the next couple of days. I don't know how I'll react with the news either way.

Please keep me in your prayers! I need them.