Then Comes the Baby in the Baby Carriage

I still haven't been able to pull myself out of my funk.  I'm still upset/mad at my body. I know I'm feeling and doing everything I shouldn't be.  I'm on CD 38 and 17 DPO. I tested on Saturday - BFN, I tested this morning - BFN. My temps are still high and there's no sign of AF anywhere! All I feel is extremely tired with no energy and sad.  I know that if I was pregnant I should have been able to get a positive test by no. So I'm pretty sure I'm not. In that case where the hell are you AF. Let's get this over with so we can move on.

Instead I'm stuck in limbo. I really thought I would be over this by now but instead when I saw the negative this morning my rage came back. I woke up so excited this morning thinking there would be good news and instead the usual. I went back to bed not wanting to leave it. I did not feel like working today or seeing anyone for that matter, but suffering from this ugly disease we have no choice right. We have to wake up every morning and live in this world like nothing is wrong with us and nothing is hurting inside.

As I was laying bed this morning listening to the news in the background I heard about a lady that tossed her seven month old over a parking structure. What the hell is wrong with people. The day before a man shot and killed his 14 month old daughter.

As much as I try to justify what is happening with me by believing that there is a reason behind it and that my time will come I can't help but ask WHY? when things like I heard on the news happen. Why were those children sent to those awful parents and not ME!

I also woke up this morning after my test wishing I would have never seen that BFP last month. It's destroyed me. I know what it feels like now and like someone with an addiction I want to have that feeling again and I'm not getting it. Getting that positive last month through me off balance.

This whole time as hopeful and as much as I want this I had only ever prepared to get negatives because month after month that's what happens and that's what I've focused on dealing with. I never thought about what it would feel like to finally get that positive and get it ripped from you in a matter of days. I never planned for how I would feel and how I would cope with the subsequent month in which I thought I would see a positive again.

My life has always been about plans and goals, and as you can see this all was not in my plan and it is very much out of my control. The only thing I could control is how I dealt with it month after month and now I just feel lost almost like in limbo.

I just pray that in the near future (any day now) I can find my way back to the positive person I was just a few weeks back.

Thank you for sticking with me through this rough patch.