Then Comes the Baby in the Baby Carriage

I'm pregnant!

Okay it felt so weird to just type that and I'm in such disbelief right now that I don't know what to think. This was the month I didn't give my 100%, the month where the only thing I did was take my herbs, do acupuncture and that's it. I didn't keep track of my cycle aside from knowing the first day of my last period. I was sick with a cold for two weeks. I had a glass of wine here and there I had coffee here and there and what do you know . . . I'm pregnant!

So it all began Monday evening when I came home, I knew AF was due around the corner and decided to look up my cycle day. 32, technically when my cycles were punctual I was a day late, but lately my cycles varied 34-37 daysish. I wasn't going to test but of course curiosity got the best of me. I did it, and what do you know the test looked just like the one I took it July, it was light. So as happy as I was inside I didn't let it show because my first thought was here I go again. I took another one before bed and it was the same. I woke up hardly didn't sleep the night because I was so anxious. I took another one and there it was the second line still light but still there.

That was Tuesday morning. I decided I would test the next morning and if I still saw the line or it was darker then I would call the doctor for a blood test. 9:30 a.m. Tuesday morning I'm dialing the doctor's office. Ohhhkay obviously I couldn't wait. I honestly couldn't wait. No signs of AF no symptoms nothing. The office called me in the afternoon and I went in to do my blood test yesterday afternoon.

The nurse said she would call me today with the results. I waited alllllll day long! It was 4:40 work was over I was in the car with DH complaining to him that I couldn't believe they wouldn't call me and leave me hanging like this and then my phone rings . . . . It was the nurse.

Nurse:  I have your test results but the doctor wasn't in today to sign off on them but I'm just going to tell you anyway . . . . (me holding my breath). . . . . let's see here . . . . . well you're definitely pregnant. Your Beta is 175 which means it's still early but we also tested you for progesterone and your number is beautiful at 21. (My mouth drops open in disbelief).

I still can't get over it. I feel weird. I'm so excited but at the same time I tell myself to calm down, I know it's very early but then at the same time I tell myself I don't care I deserve to be as happy as a clam. So right now I'm somewhere in the middle.

AHHHHHH! I go in for another blood test tomorrow so I think I'll feel better once I get those results. Wish me luck and please please pray for me!

In keeping myself busy I've learned that I love to cook. I must've gotten this from my dad since he loves to be in the kitchen so it's something common that he and I love. In my recent trip home he made some salsa verde that I loved! So he shared the simple recipe with me. This salsa goes great with anything. For example he made some grilled chicken and I tossed some of this salsa over it mmmm delicious!

I love this recipe because it's simple. Being in an office environment we have potlucks often. It amazes me how excited people get over a simple salsa. So I've taken my share to work with some chips and it was gone! Simple and inexpensive for potlucks. Here it is . . . 

Salsa Verde

 Ingredients

20 tomatillos, husks pulled off
1 tomato
3 jalapeno peppers, stems cut off
7 serrano peppers, stems cut off
1 teaspoon of oregano
2 garlic cloves, peeled and roughly chopped

Salt to taste

Directions

Rinse tomatillos in warm water to get rid of stickiness, wash tomato and all peppers. Broil tomatillos, tomato and peppers. Most people use their ovens to broil I use my griddle. Use some foil to place over the griddle (makes for easy clean up and transfer to the blender). You want to put your stove on medium heat. Turn over the veggies every five minutes or so. Stoves vary in heat intensity (mine took 30 minutes) the veggies are ready when they're soft and easily pierced with a fork.  Transfer everything to the blender by grabbing the foil with the veggies and tossing it in the blender along with any juices the veggies released. Throw in the garlic and oregano. Add some salt (I do about two teaspoons). Blend everything together until well blended and viola! You have yourself some salsa verde!

Veggies before broiling

Note peppers vary in intensity.  The way I listed the ingredients this salsa verde really has a kick to it, the flavor lasts in your mouth. You can bring it down a notch by removing some serranos. Just try to keep the ratio of jalapeno to serranos the same.  If the salsa is chunky add a little bit water to make it less dense.

Enjoy! 

Veggies after broiling

Many of you have had questions about the acupuncture, herb and vitamin treatment for infertility that I'm currently on. We decided to take this route first before taking clomid because we liked the idea of fixing the balance in our bodies. I say we and yes both my husband and I are being treated together. Our doctor strongly believes that it's important to treat the unit to get the most benefits out of treatment although I know women can be successful being treated on their own.

I discovered this book several months in to my treatment and wish I would have discovered it sooner as it explains treatment and what it's doing to your body thoroughly. When we started sure I knew the basics but didn't really understand what the needles were actually doing.  Sometimes it was hard for me to believe that needles piercing your skin in certain places could have such an effect on your body. I didn't need to know exactly how it worked to feel the benefits because as soon as I get up from the table I feel the difference.

I highly recommend this book if your curious or would like to look into this type of treatment. It's very informative and what I loved is that it's written by one of us! The author was in medical school and trying to get pregnant. She was unsuccessful with medical treatments and went to a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor. She started treatment and was pregnant in three months! She believed so much in it that she stopped going to medical school to study TCM and become a practitioner. Since then she has become a practitioner and is a very successful one.

The book reviews different reasons why we don't get pregnant including known medical conditions that don't prevent but hinder conception like PCOS and endometriosis.  A quiz is included to find where your deficiencies are in your body and in the back of the book she lists foods to eat and foods to avoid to bring balance back to those areas where our bodies are deficient.

During the completion of my last cycle I had had it. We saw Dr. J and I told him how frustrated I was and tired. This is a very intense treatment that involves a lot on your behalf and your partner's behalf. After roughly three months and three cycles and one BFP for the first time followed by a miscarriage a few days later I had it. So Dr. J suggested we take a break. That actually freaked me out a little bit. So I negotiated. I would still take my herbs and vitamins but not temp, not chart, and not keep track of my cycle at all. Not read any books dealing with infertility. You see a theme here a constant battle with being in control and in balance. Something I always find myself working on. Dr. J feels I need to find a happy medium where I'm doing my treatment successfully while keeping control but not over-obsessing.  Easier said than done buddy!

Anywho I remember the first day of my last cycle and have been so tempted to go on fertility friend to find out exactly where I'm at but that would violate the rules I set for myself. I estimate that I'm around day 30ish. I think I will wait this our for two more weeks, yes two more weeks before I either test of Ms. AF should show by then.

So I'm waiting now. Comparing every little thing I feel to the one month where I did get a BFP. That cycle haunts me so much. I need to move past it but I know it won't happen anytime soon but someday it won't hurt as much anymore.

Welcoming the cooler temperatures and the beautiful colors of the fall season.

September ICLW

Thank you so much for stopping by! Without the support of the blogging community I do not know how I would get by some months. I love making new friends, learning about your journey and sharing mine. As much support I receive from others I hope I can be of some support to you too.

A quick version of what's going on: My husband and I are 27 (he's almost don't like to remind him that he's younger then a couple of months thought :-) hehee). We've been trying to conceive our first child since January 2010! That puts us over the year and a half mark. We've been diagnosed with unexplained infertility (lucky us) and were told by the doctor in May to go on clomid. We decided that was not what was best for us at the moment so we decided to try Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). We've loved it, felt great and in July 2011 saw my very first positive ever!

The pregnancy did not hold and I had a very early miscarriage aka chemical pregnancy. As much as we were elated to have gotten so far this still has been a painful loss for us even two months later. I feel that I'm still mourning.

We are continuing with TCM and I'm going to be starting a new set of herbs in one week. We'll see what changes that brings. For more details on my journey see my sidebar or tab above.

I hope you stick around!

I often question how I will continue to survive in a world where I am childless surrounded by a constant reminder of what I don't have. I see pregnant women on a daily basis without fail. I see cute kids in strollers everyday. It's a part of life, I can't run or hide from it. So I'm currently trying to learn how to deal with it. How to survive.



I was sick all weekend and am still trying to recover. I picked up the Jacycee Lee Dugard book "A Stolen Life". For those of you who do not know her story she was kidnapped at 11 years old, and held prisoner for 18 years! She was abused, neglected and raped while kidnapped and had two children throughout this time. She lived in a concealed backyard area of a convicted sex offender with parole officers visiting once in a while and always missing the backyard that had sheds and tents where she was held captive.

Before reading the book I had a hard time understanding why she didn't run sooner, why she never yelled, why in the 18 years of captivity didn't she make one effort to escape. After reading the book I was able to understand the manipulation of this man and the fear he had instilled in her so much that once she was found she couldn't even speak aloud her real name and instead had to write it down.

This story was an incredible story about survival and overcoming a terrible situation against all odds.  I found a lot of strength from this book in regard to my own situation. I'm learning to become more accepting of what is happening to me, that it's okay to be sad and that I too will survive.

Everyone who is suffering from IF is put through such a journey. At the minimum I know it's leading me through a path of self discovery. Learning about a strength I knew I never had, and a passion to never give up.

I highly recommend the book, it gives you a different perspective on life and serves as a good reminder to be thankful for the little things.

Meet Adhama, the San Diego Zoo's newest baby river hippo. He was born January 26, 2011 and has gotten a lot of attention since. This cutie has served as one of my distractions through out the year. I've added Adhama and the Zoo visits to my Operation Smile goals.  A friend recently reminded my to keep doing things that I love, that make me happy and make me smile.

Anyway I have spent quite some time watching Adhama and his mama swim around, interact, and display a true mother/baby bond. I love it, and I crave that so very much.

I've been doing pretty good these last couple of days and have not thought about my circumstances as much - but then again around this time of my cycle I usually feel like this.

Not temping or using OPK's has been quite liberating. I know my body well enough to read its signs and symptoms so even if I'm not technically keeping track I pretty much know what's going on. I assume that I have ovulated since I saw EWCM a couple of days ago and got the usual ovulation pain. We will see. Like every other month I say I don't get my hopes up but I really do and then when AF comes I'm devastated.

We got back from the Bay Area Sunday evening. That 8-hour drive felt like it took forever. Since we were all over the place with all kinds of weather I think it may have affected us since we both woke up this morning feeling sick and with a little tingle in our throats. Could be allergies but they haven't gone away yet like they usually do. Don't want to be sick! I haven't been sick with anything in over two years. Maybe it's time . . . but still!

On another note during our trip home I was able to spend some time with my four year old little cousin. I loved it. We don't have any family members where we currently live so being able to interact with family, specially the little ones is very exciting to me. My aunt let me take care of her for a day and holy moly am I inexperienced. She's currently being potty trained so I was on her like every hour to go to the bathroom. Well when I put her down for her nap it never crossed my mind that she wouldn't be able to control going in her sleep! So I found her crying all wet! She had soaked the bed. Oh my goodness I felt terrible and like such a failure! Then she wasn't really eating much she kept sneezing. Anyway I realized that as prepared as I feel in becoming a mother I'll have a lot to learn and look forward too. Among my mess ups that day I loved spending time with the little one and watching her fall asleep. That's priceless to me.

In other news . . . 9/11 what a difficult and sad day. I try to not watch too much coverage because all of that makes me so sad. I'm already sad on my own don't need more to add to it. BUT it's hard to avoid watching when every other channel had something about 9/11 on. I ended up watching this one segment on the children of 9/11 - all of the kids born without fathers because they passed away that day. Okay bring on the tears, they got me real good.

The other one was the interview of one of the wives of a passenger who was on the flight that crashed in Pennsylvania. She was describing how she was watching the coverage worried about her husband and the phone rang. Her mother picked it up and it was her husband. Her mother was excited to hear him and that he was safe. Then she said her mother's face dropped all color and she passed her the phone. That's when he told her he was on a hijacked plane and that they spent the next couple of minutes saying their goodbyes. Now that has to be one of the hardest things to go through. Knowing your loved one has minutes to live and you cannot do absolutely anything. SO SO sad.

That was just another reminder to appreciate everything I have in my life right now and focus on that.

Hello Sacramento! I decided to tag along with my husband on his business trip to Sacramento. We decided to drive to see our family in the Bay Area in the beginning of the week and we'll return there on Friday before heading back to San Diego on Sunday.

Sacramento . . . so far okay. I really wanted to go to museums and visit the state capital since we're staying just down the street but today I decided I'd venture to the mall and kind of acclimate myself. I Yelped a place to eat for lunch and due to lack of parking walked there from the mall. It was only a couple of blocks away so I thought no big deal. Well I didn't feel very comfortable walking in downtown. I felt super paranoid holding on to my purse for dear life. I don't know maybe I'm a scardy cat but still you know you just get a feeling. So I got my sandwich and I hurried my butt back to the mall back to my car and back to the hotel.

I've decided I'll just stay close to the hotel for the next couple of days and wait for my husband in the afternoon and go venture out. :-/ Not ideal but I'll just spend my day catching up on my reading and truly relaxing.

On the TTC front there's nothing much to report and that kind of feels good. I'm suspicious that I may be ovulating soon but ehhhh, whatever for now. I'm just enjoying my time off and living today . . . at least for now.

One thing I forgot to mention. Beyonce pregnant! I watched the VMA's this past weekend and watched her perform and display her baby bump at the end. I don't know that I have ever felt so jealous! The happiness that showed on her face is like nothing I've ever seen. I thought to myself that's what it feels like. I can't wait to feel that one day. I did wonder if she has struggled too. I've never ever seen a celebrity display so much joy announcing their pregnancy. Anyway Beyonce is is due when I would have been due :-( <sigh>  As I see her progress in her pregnancy and have the baby and see the baby grow I'll always remember that.

I would like to start off by thanking all of you for your encouragement and kind words. AF finally came last week and I hit a new low.  I was truly devastated and this time I hurt more than any other time. Again I think having seen what a positive (even if faint) pregnancy test looks like did a number on me.

So for now I'm in recovery mode. I'm taking a break from temping and using OPK's this month. Part of the reason is that when I temp in the morning my IF is the first thing I think about. So how can I live my life not focused or thinking about this when what I do first thing when I wake up everyday reminds me of it.  Anyway this is all Dr. J's advice which I appreciated. At first I had a hard time letting go and accepting I wouldn't temp. At first it felt like I was losing control over the only thing I have control over. He also wanted me to take a break from the herbs but I thought that would be counterproductive toward the routine I've developed.

I'm finishing up the last herbs he had made me and we had a long discussion last friday. He's adjusting my herbs to treat another part of my deficiencies. He feels confident about this next treatment process. I will finish out the year with TCM and if nothing comes of it I will revisit taking clomid.

I'm staying positive and still think TCM will work. Again the chemical pregnancy is as far as I've gotten and I definitely credit that to all of the changes we've made and what my husband and I are doing.

In taking this breather I went to the movies and saw One Day.  I absolutely loved this movie . . . I won't give any spoilers but I got a very positive message from it. My mom gets really bothered with how IF has become my life according to her.  I always argue how can it not be. My life is timed by cycles and my days are counted with whether I'm ovulating or not.  I have very strong feelings about how I don't get pregnant and yes this is always on my mind, more so some times than others. My husband is not going as crazy as me but I can tell that he focuses on comforting me to deal with his feelings about everything. My mom is the one who told me to go see this movie because for months now she's been telling me that I need to live my life. I just wasn't getting it. I didn't know how else to live it.

After seeing the movie I realized that my husband and I are not living our lives. We're just like robots going through the daily motions and not really being here. Do you know what I'm trying to say? We talk every day, we work in the same place we both have the same routine, but when we talk we don't really talk.  I quickly realized after watching the movie that we were forgetting about us. Our love for each other, what brought us together in the first place.

I've spent the last few days contemplating this thought. This past Tuesday marked 11 years since we had met. We met on the first day of class our junior year in high school. I spent most of the day thinking about the day we met and the following months after that. I felt butterflies all over again. We were such kids and we were so "in love". That was a great time in our lives. So on Tuesday I proposed we go out to celebrate and we did. We got a pizza, bottle of wine, and some salad and went up to the mountain where he proposed. We ate, talked, laughed and watched the sunset. We had a great time and it felt soooooo good!

I'm happy we did it and we both realized that we need to start living together again. Focusing on each other instead of the family we don't have because right now, today we are our family. I'm not saying I won't think about IF anymore or any less but we need to start focusing on each other more.

So that's how I'm taking a breather that I hope will lead me to a new sense of living with IF. I've also decided to see a therapist to talk out my feelings and help me learn how to better cope and recover month after month since it only seems to be getting harder for me.

Also I wanted to share with you my favorite blog: Ladies in Waiting Book Club  Check it out! I've really gotten some good advice and insight from this blog and has helped me cope the last couple of weeks. They have this awesome program for this month called Secret Sisters where you sign-up and for the month of September you're assigned to someone as a secret sister and someone different is assigned to you. The point is to keep in touch and make contact at least three times in the month of September with one contact being postal mail. The point is to find someone to encourage and be supportive of and in turn  have someone do that for you too. How amazing is this! I can't wait!