Then Comes the Baby in the Baby Carriage

Baby's heartbeat that is! We went to our doctor appointment on Tuesday and all is well. Baby's heart was beating at 150 bpm. It's always such a calming reassuring sound to listen to the heartbeat. Wish I could listen to it everyday.

I was sent to get my second set of genetic testing. Thankfully this time it was only one vile not nine like last time! Just with one draw they still managed to bruise up my arm pretty bad and has been sore ever since. The doctor also gave me the paperwork to schedule my anatomy scan. Wow I can't believe we're there already. I called and made my appointment and scheduled it for Tuesday morning January 3rd. Then I got the dreaded "drink 20 oz of water one hour before you come in but don't pee." yikes! I hope I can hold it not only on the at there but during the 45 minute exam. Regardless we're looking forward to seeing the baby for an extended period of time instead of the rushed two minutes at the doctor's office. This is the appointment where we find outbid its a she or he but we have agreed to not find out. I'm really excited about that.

On Thursday we traveled to Northern California for the holidays. That was an adventure. I didn't anticipate bathroom breaks to be a problem since I can hold my pee for a good while. Well that was not the case. On average I think we stopped every hour. Boy did I feel relief when I'd go to. It was pretty bad but thankfully we always found an accessible bathroom.

We spent most of yesterday grocery shopping for dinner to tonight. Every where we went was super crowded and extended the amount of time we were there. By the end of it all 6 hours later I was pooped. My mom and sister poke fun at the fact that I get tired easily and it's still so early. They ask what I'll do later. That bothers and worries me. I didn't expect to feel this way so soon and sometimes I wonder if it's just me. I get mad at myself sometimes just for being so immobile. Everyday I say is going to be the day that I start yoga and it doesn't happen. :-( one of my goals was to stay fit during pregnancy and I feel I'm failing miserably. I'm hoping to be enlightened soon and lightened ;-) to get my butt moving for half an hour and not feel like I ran a marathon.

Last night was my first night sleeping uncomfortable and coming to terms with the fact that I can't lie flat on my back anymore. Again another milestone I thought would come later but has shown up early I feel. I also feel like my tummy got a huge growth spurt yesterday it just seemed bigger and most of the day it was like bring on that ligament pain baby!

All in all I'm so happy. My family has been teasing me a lot saying that it's all about me now and this pregnancy. It makes me feel bad at times but you know what, I don't anymore. I'm enjoying every day with this baby inside of me and enjoying the adventure of pregnancy. I enjoy every day since I don't know and there is no guarantee that I will get to experience this again.

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas Eve!

I cannot believe it has been a month and a half since my last post. I don't even know where to start.

On Thursday I will be 17 weeks, is till can't believe it myself. In fact I thought by now I would have gotten used to the idea that I'm pregnant but I haven't! At this point I'm starting to think that won't change. I cannot get over what a miracle this pregnancy and this baby are to me.

I have to say that as happy as I am there's always a part of me that is very scared. As the weeks have gone by I've fallen more and more in love with this baby and feel it so close to my heart. I'm so attached and fear that something will go wrong. As of about two weeks ago I started feeling the flutters. What an amazing feeling and reassuring. That has helped calm my fears a bit. But as soon as I start to feel confident something happens. I hear or read something that really upsets me and the latest was Michelle Duggar's loss. I don't even like to think about it anymore.

As fearful as I am I truly try to enjoy this pregnancy an am super happy and excited. I feel it's just flying by and should probably start checking in more often to document how I feel and what I feel.

Tomorrow will be my third doctor's visit and I am very excited but anxious at the same time. I can't wait to hear that strong heartbeat. I also received some reassurance from my acupuncturist on Friday who said he could feel the baby's heart beat through my pulse! How awesome is that!

I should back track a bit and talk about breaking the news to the world. During Thanksgiving week I had my second doctor visit and was 12 weeks 5 days at that point. After we heard the heart beat then were lucky enough to get an ultrasound we were reassured that everything was great. On Thanksgiving we went "live" on Facebook (as a side not I think FB has revolutionized birth announcements, it almost felt like a press release!)

I wrote, "Turkey in the oven AND bun in the oven, Isidro and I have a lotto be thankful for this Thanksgiving."

It felt so great to let the world know and the congratulations that followed made it that more real. The following week back to work I let the office know and it felt so liberating to be able to wear maternity clothes!

On another note . . . Maternity clothes!! What an awful small selection department stores and even Target have. I've been so disappointed. I've been able to get a couple of jeans at JCPenny's and thankfully my aunt gave me all of her maternity shirts which was a big help. Work pants have been the hardest to find. Motherhood has some but all wide leg and they fit super long and I'm 5'6" so don't know what's up with that. I was lucky enough to find a store called Maternity Works which carries Motherhood and Pea in the Pod out of season clothing at mug better prices, but I'm still only working with one pair of work pants. Hope to find a good fit soon.

So physically my belly is starting to show although I know it's mostly my stomach and organs being pushed up that's making the bump while the baby sill sits low. As mentioned before I can feel the baby move but not on a consistent basis yet. I feel that I've gotten every symptom out there minus the vomiting that comes with nausea. Most recently the culprits are severe headaches after lunch time, severe indigestion/heartburn and I can't stay awake past 8:30 pm. I feel like a grandma. I thought my energy would have come back up by now but I feel work really wears me out during the day and it also doesn't help that when I get off at 4:30 it's almost all dark. So my internal clock thinks bed time.

I wanted to get more active as I've started to feel better but I've only gotten as far as walking for about 15 minutes. Anything extra I do puts me out for the night even earlier. I feel pretty useless and frustrated with myself at times but I know and remember that one we're all different and two there are two lives living off of one body.

As of my last appointment I hadn't gained any weight or lost any for that matter which is good because of my body weight the doctor only wants me to gain up to 15 pounds. At first it seemed impossible but now that I've been moving along it seems doable. We'll see what the grand total is tomorrow.

Speaking of doctor, this will be my last appointment at this practice. In January my new insurance (ppo) will kick in and I can transfer to the birth center (which currently my HMO doesn't cover. I watched "The Business of Being Born" and it changed the way I see labor and delivery and the sad truth that has become our healthcare system. I know not all hospitals/doctors are bad but I haven't had the luck of finding a great doctor or hospital (more on that later) so I've opted for a natural drug free birth at a birth center with a midwife. I know sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy but I believe with the proper education and preparation this choice will work out great for me.

Lastly we've chosen to not find out if it's a boy or girl and let the revelation come on baby's birthday. We're very excited about it. The weird thing is that I have very strong intuition that it's a boy. It's such a weird feeling. We're excited for either of course. I've had a lot o experience with baby girls so having a boy if it is a boy will be an adventure for me because I definitely think the two offer different experiences. If its a boy, daddy will for sure be in charge of potty training :-)

Sorry for the novel and lack of presence on my part. Thank you for sticking with me and I leave you with a picture of the little one at our 12ish week scan and a picture of me and the bump at 16 weeks.

I know some of you may be wondering where I've been. I've been holding my breath until Monday 10/24, which was my first OB appointment. The appointment was at 3 p.m. so I had to wait all day long at work I was literally counting down every hour! Finally it was 2:30 and time to leave for our appointment.

Hubby picked me up and was just as anxious as I was.  We arrived and with my nerves I had to go to the bathroom before we went in to the office. Did my business, went in to the office, signed in only to learn I had to pee in a cup! What! I had just gone! So do my business again and actually produce something! Couldn't believe that one but lately I have to go pee like crazy so it shouldn't be that surprising.

So we sit wait, wait and wait and finally my name is called. Nurse takes us in and takes my vitals and asks me if it's my first one, and of course I say yes! She asked me if I was nervous and I said extremely and she laughed and said your blood pressure is still normal but it's the highest it's ever been since we've checked, your heart is beating a mile a minute! Ha! As if I needed any confirmation.

The nurse practitioner came in met with us and did the whole health history and physical exam. She said everything looked good and that the doctor would be with us shortly. More waiting . . . not too comfortable having my legs in the stirrups and bottom right at the edge of the table. Uncomfortable much? Side note, this doctor I hadn't met yet since this office is one that likes to rotate the doctors and nurses so you meet everyone and on the day of delivery it's nor surprise whoever is on call for delivery.

Knock on the door and finally the doctor comes in with the ultrasound machine. She introduces herself and jumps right into to the ultrasound, but wait oh that's funny the screen isn't working. WHAT! With no screen working where I could see she asked us to huddle close so we could see the laptop where the image comes up. Well I'm lying down there's not much huddling I can do, plus I'm super nervous about what we'll see not helping. She slips the wand in and right away our little pumpkin popped up on the screen (from what I could see, I was looking at it at such a bad angle).  Once she focused in we could see the heart thumping away. Then she asked me to stay still and turn the sound up and we heard the thump thump thump thu . . . (insert disc scratch here) Doctor, "opps I moved." Okay so I'm thinking she'll readjust so we can hear again. Think again, no she was done with the heartbeat. Next the measuring. Little pumpkin measured right on track. Then she said okay let me print out the two shots. But wait, what is this, the printer isn't working! At this point I was so done, so upset.  Just my luck right, then to make things worse she says, "This never happens, until you" Okay lady not making me feel better.

Bottom line, the important thing is that little pumpkin is doing great. I asked how fast the heartbeat was but she didn't measure that. Of course she didn't. I left once again disappointed in the bad service in that office. The doctor did tell me that since we didn't get any pictures this time maybe we can do another ultrasound the next time I come in. I am holding her to it, damn right I want some pictures. Two years waiting for that moment and I left with nothing to stare at.

All in all I'm still in shock. I can't believe something is growing inside of me. I should though because I have every symptom under the sun minus vomiting but the nausea well then makes up for it.

We left the appointment and went to a hospital tour at another medical center. I wasn't convinced, they have a birth center but it's still so hospitaly. I think I'm almost convinced that I want to deliver at a birth center we visited a week ago. I had such a different feeling about that place. It just felt right.

I got home at 8:30 that night and felt a little overwhelmed with all of the baby info we received and all of the decisions we'll be having to make soon as well as everything we have to buy! I felt really stressed out which is total the opposite emotion I thought I would be feeling after seeing the baby for the first time.

I'm definitely navigating different land here, and it's weird! We decided to not come out to the world until Thanksgiving. I'll be thirteen weeks by then and have my next appointment that week as well. It's been hard hiding it though as I'm consistently bloated and feel like I'm starting to show even though I know it's just me being self aware.

There's not much else to say except that I'm so happy and excited. Every time I think about the little pumpkin I smile and it feels great.

I just found out yesterday that my dear friend Alissa at Miss Conception lost her two sweet babies Michael and Alena at 20 weeks along. My heart is so broken for her and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since I found out.

I think Alissa and her journey hold a special place in my heart because I felt a special connection to her since I met her on the TTC boards at Baby Center almost two years ago. I followed her journey since the beginning and through her I found so much encouragement and comfort for my own journey.

Her victory in June of becoming pregnant felt like a victory for me too. It gave me so much hope. I loved seeing her happiness evolve as her pregnancy progressed and was so excited to find out that she was having a boy AND a girl! How amazing was that!

Yesterday morning I had woke up thinking about her and how badly I would love to meet her. It just so happened that I might be going up to a conference in her neck of the woods in April and thought what a wonderful opportunity to finally meet her. I was excited that I would get to possibly meet the babies by then too, and hope to receive her blessing then since I would be due 8 weeks later.

When I logged onto blogger later yesterday her post was the first thing I saw and my heart just stopped. I called my husband right away since I talk about her and her journey all the time. He was just as devastated as I was.  I wish I could be there in person for my friend to comfort her and make her feel better, but distance isn't our friend. Please visit her blog and show her your support.

What her and her husband are going through no parent should have to go through.

Michael and Alena - you left this world much too soon, but how special to know that you were already loved by so many!

This is what I finally feel like!

I've been through a plethora of emotions in the last 72 hours.

The nurse called back on Friday with the HCG results from Thursday. My numbers doubled to 338.

Rewind 24 hours before that.  My appointment at the lab for the blood test was at 11 a.m. I go into the room and the lobotomist says congratulations! I tell her thanks but that I would feel much better once I got these test results. She looked at me and said, "Oh honey you can never feel better trust me I know I've had five miscarriages and when I was told to relax at 13 weeks I bled out at 15 and lost it so you can never relax." Okay lady thanks for making me feel worse than I already felt!  I left the lab in a daze and with my hopes a little down.

I knew I wouldn't have the results until Friday so I tried my best to not think about it but come on how can you not. Meanwhile we decided to tell my parents and my close family members since they know about our struggle. They were so excited. I told them it was still very early but that it had been confirmed.

We waited to get the second results to tell hubby's parents. I waited the entire day practically until 2:30! I know the staff is busy but meanwhile there I am at work trying to keep myself occupied and thinking the worst!

The nurse called with the results and as I mentioned before my numbers doubled and she said everything was looking good and they would see me on October 24th for my first appointment and ultrasound. Gosh that seems forever away and more waiting. I should be a pro by now right?

I had written before about BV (bacterial vaginosis). It's basically an overgrowth of bad bacteria causing itchiness in that area and some studies have linked it to early miscarriage. I've had BV on and off that last several months and I didn't get it last month but two days ago I felt an itch. Whether it is or isn't of course I'm going to worry. So I told the nurse and she's like I don't think that gets treated until the second trimester. What!!! Then she said let me double check. She came back and said oh it can be treated now. So then I told her shouldn't I get checked just in case. Nurse: ahhh, I guess let me transfer you so you can make an appointment.

I think you may be getting the sense of how I feel about my doctor and her office. I was transferred and had to leave a message to make an appointment. So annoying! They didn't give me an appointment until October 10th! That seems like a long time if I have a problem. The lady could sense I felt that it was too far away so she told me to call on Monday and check on cancellations. Ohhhkay! What great service right?!

So for a while I was worried, it's early a lot can go wrong and I kept thinking over and over again a bunch of stuff until I decided to STOP. I had been testing everyday to make sure the line was still there, not okay.  I'm going to live this pregnancy day to day and enjoy it day to day for what it is not what it could be. I was scaring myself too much and I'm sure it's not good for me. So I'm staying very positive and I'm getting very excited. Is it too early to buy "What to Expect When You're Expecting" probably but I don't care. I've been waiting for this for so long and I want to enjoy it all!

So far I've noticed some changes. For one I'm super thirsty all the time. I've been chugging water like it's going out of style. Next, I've been so so sleepy. I've had to take naps during my lunch all week and as soon as I come home I nap and go to bed by 9, what! I'm such a night owl that it surprises me so much but the nice thing is that as soon as my alarm rings in the morning I'm up, no snoozing.  My boobs are super super tender. Food-wise I'll be okay but when I get hungry I'm super hungry and I have to eat like right now! So I'm enjoying it all, I'm keeping a positive outlook and for now praying for no BV, hoping I find a better doctor and staff (I'm actually thinking at looking into a midwife, anyone have experience with that?) and counting down for the day I get to see the little bun on the screen hopefully with a super strong heartbeat. I have to say that I love it so much already and its only been a couple of days. I had my last cup of coffee on Monday and didn't even realize it. I'm glad I had cut down on the caffeine when I did because not it hasn't been a biggy. I've been hardcore about it too. I don't want to risk doing anything or take my chances. So no more iced tea for me (it's so refreshing I'm going to miss it).

Thank you all for being so supportive and sticking with me. Oh and get this . . . my acupuncturist started treating another couple at the same time as us, and we both called him on the same day with the same news. Crazy right? I have so much faith in Traditional Chinese Medicine!

I'm pregnant!

Okay it felt so weird to just type that and I'm in such disbelief right now that I don't know what to think. This was the month I didn't give my 100%, the month where the only thing I did was take my herbs, do acupuncture and that's it. I didn't keep track of my cycle aside from knowing the first day of my last period. I was sick with a cold for two weeks. I had a glass of wine here and there I had coffee here and there and what do you know . . . I'm pregnant!

So it all began Monday evening when I came home, I knew AF was due around the corner and decided to look up my cycle day. 32, technically when my cycles were punctual I was a day late, but lately my cycles varied 34-37 daysish. I wasn't going to test but of course curiosity got the best of me. I did it, and what do you know the test looked just like the one I took it July, it was light. So as happy as I was inside I didn't let it show because my first thought was here I go again. I took another one before bed and it was the same. I woke up hardly didn't sleep the night because I was so anxious. I took another one and there it was the second line still light but still there.

That was Tuesday morning. I decided I would test the next morning and if I still saw the line or it was darker then I would call the doctor for a blood test. 9:30 a.m. Tuesday morning I'm dialing the doctor's office. Ohhhkay obviously I couldn't wait. I honestly couldn't wait. No signs of AF no symptoms nothing. The office called me in the afternoon and I went in to do my blood test yesterday afternoon.

The nurse said she would call me today with the results. I waited alllllll day long! It was 4:40 work was over I was in the car with DH complaining to him that I couldn't believe they wouldn't call me and leave me hanging like this and then my phone rings . . . . It was the nurse.

Nurse:  I have your test results but the doctor wasn't in today to sign off on them but I'm just going to tell you anyway . . . . (me holding my breath). . . . . let's see here . . . . . well you're definitely pregnant. Your Beta is 175 which means it's still early but we also tested you for progesterone and your number is beautiful at 21. (My mouth drops open in disbelief).

I still can't get over it. I feel weird. I'm so excited but at the same time I tell myself to calm down, I know it's very early but then at the same time I tell myself I don't care I deserve to be as happy as a clam. So right now I'm somewhere in the middle.

AHHHHHH! I go in for another blood test tomorrow so I think I'll feel better once I get those results. Wish me luck and please please pray for me!

In keeping myself busy I've learned that I love to cook. I must've gotten this from my dad since he loves to be in the kitchen so it's something common that he and I love. In my recent trip home he made some salsa verde that I loved! So he shared the simple recipe with me. This salsa goes great with anything. For example he made some grilled chicken and I tossed some of this salsa over it mmmm delicious!

I love this recipe because it's simple. Being in an office environment we have potlucks often. It amazes me how excited people get over a simple salsa. So I've taken my share to work with some chips and it was gone! Simple and inexpensive for potlucks. Here it is . . . 

Salsa Verde

 Ingredients

20 tomatillos, husks pulled off
1 tomato
3 jalapeno peppers, stems cut off
7 serrano peppers, stems cut off
1 teaspoon of oregano
2 garlic cloves, peeled and roughly chopped

Salt to taste

Directions

Rinse tomatillos in warm water to get rid of stickiness, wash tomato and all peppers. Broil tomatillos, tomato and peppers. Most people use their ovens to broil I use my griddle. Use some foil to place over the griddle (makes for easy clean up and transfer to the blender). You want to put your stove on medium heat. Turn over the veggies every five minutes or so. Stoves vary in heat intensity (mine took 30 minutes) the veggies are ready when they're soft and easily pierced with a fork.  Transfer everything to the blender by grabbing the foil with the veggies and tossing it in the blender along with any juices the veggies released. Throw in the garlic and oregano. Add some salt (I do about two teaspoons). Blend everything together until well blended and viola! You have yourself some salsa verde!

Veggies before broiling

Note peppers vary in intensity.  The way I listed the ingredients this salsa verde really has a kick to it, the flavor lasts in your mouth. You can bring it down a notch by removing some serranos. Just try to keep the ratio of jalapeno to serranos the same.  If the salsa is chunky add a little bit water to make it less dense.

Enjoy! 

Veggies after broiling

Many of you have had questions about the acupuncture, herb and vitamin treatment for infertility that I'm currently on. We decided to take this route first before taking clomid because we liked the idea of fixing the balance in our bodies. I say we and yes both my husband and I are being treated together. Our doctor strongly believes that it's important to treat the unit to get the most benefits out of treatment although I know women can be successful being treated on their own.

I discovered this book several months in to my treatment and wish I would have discovered it sooner as it explains treatment and what it's doing to your body thoroughly. When we started sure I knew the basics but didn't really understand what the needles were actually doing.  Sometimes it was hard for me to believe that needles piercing your skin in certain places could have such an effect on your body. I didn't need to know exactly how it worked to feel the benefits because as soon as I get up from the table I feel the difference.

I highly recommend this book if your curious or would like to look into this type of treatment. It's very informative and what I loved is that it's written by one of us! The author was in medical school and trying to get pregnant. She was unsuccessful with medical treatments and went to a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor. She started treatment and was pregnant in three months! She believed so much in it that she stopped going to medical school to study TCM and become a practitioner. Since then she has become a practitioner and is a very successful one.

The book reviews different reasons why we don't get pregnant including known medical conditions that don't prevent but hinder conception like PCOS and endometriosis.  A quiz is included to find where your deficiencies are in your body and in the back of the book she lists foods to eat and foods to avoid to bring balance back to those areas where our bodies are deficient.

During the completion of my last cycle I had had it. We saw Dr. J and I told him how frustrated I was and tired. This is a very intense treatment that involves a lot on your behalf and your partner's behalf. After roughly three months and three cycles and one BFP for the first time followed by a miscarriage a few days later I had it. So Dr. J suggested we take a break. That actually freaked me out a little bit. So I negotiated. I would still take my herbs and vitamins but not temp, not chart, and not keep track of my cycle at all. Not read any books dealing with infertility. You see a theme here a constant battle with being in control and in balance. Something I always find myself working on. Dr. J feels I need to find a happy medium where I'm doing my treatment successfully while keeping control but not over-obsessing.  Easier said than done buddy!

Anywho I remember the first day of my last cycle and have been so tempted to go on fertility friend to find out exactly where I'm at but that would violate the rules I set for myself. I estimate that I'm around day 30ish. I think I will wait this our for two more weeks, yes two more weeks before I either test of Ms. AF should show by then.

So I'm waiting now. Comparing every little thing I feel to the one month where I did get a BFP. That cycle haunts me so much. I need to move past it but I know it won't happen anytime soon but someday it won't hurt as much anymore.

Welcoming the cooler temperatures and the beautiful colors of the fall season.

September ICLW

Thank you so much for stopping by! Without the support of the blogging community I do not know how I would get by some months. I love making new friends, learning about your journey and sharing mine. As much support I receive from others I hope I can be of some support to you too.

A quick version of what's going on: My husband and I are 27 (he's almost don't like to remind him that he's younger then a couple of months thought :-) hehee). We've been trying to conceive our first child since January 2010! That puts us over the year and a half mark. We've been diagnosed with unexplained infertility (lucky us) and were told by the doctor in May to go on clomid. We decided that was not what was best for us at the moment so we decided to try Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). We've loved it, felt great and in July 2011 saw my very first positive ever!

The pregnancy did not hold and I had a very early miscarriage aka chemical pregnancy. As much as we were elated to have gotten so far this still has been a painful loss for us even two months later. I feel that I'm still mourning.

We are continuing with TCM and I'm going to be starting a new set of herbs in one week. We'll see what changes that brings. For more details on my journey see my sidebar or tab above.

I hope you stick around!

I often question how I will continue to survive in a world where I am childless surrounded by a constant reminder of what I don't have. I see pregnant women on a daily basis without fail. I see cute kids in strollers everyday. It's a part of life, I can't run or hide from it. So I'm currently trying to learn how to deal with it. How to survive.



I was sick all weekend and am still trying to recover. I picked up the Jacycee Lee Dugard book "A Stolen Life". For those of you who do not know her story she was kidnapped at 11 years old, and held prisoner for 18 years! She was abused, neglected and raped while kidnapped and had two children throughout this time. She lived in a concealed backyard area of a convicted sex offender with parole officers visiting once in a while and always missing the backyard that had sheds and tents where she was held captive.

Before reading the book I had a hard time understanding why she didn't run sooner, why she never yelled, why in the 18 years of captivity didn't she make one effort to escape. After reading the book I was able to understand the manipulation of this man and the fear he had instilled in her so much that once she was found she couldn't even speak aloud her real name and instead had to write it down.

This story was an incredible story about survival and overcoming a terrible situation against all odds.  I found a lot of strength from this book in regard to my own situation. I'm learning to become more accepting of what is happening to me, that it's okay to be sad and that I too will survive.

Everyone who is suffering from IF is put through such a journey. At the minimum I know it's leading me through a path of self discovery. Learning about a strength I knew I never had, and a passion to never give up.

I highly recommend the book, it gives you a different perspective on life and serves as a good reminder to be thankful for the little things.

Meet Adhama, the San Diego Zoo's newest baby river hippo. He was born January 26, 2011 and has gotten a lot of attention since. This cutie has served as one of my distractions through out the year. I've added Adhama and the Zoo visits to my Operation Smile goals.  A friend recently reminded my to keep doing things that I love, that make me happy and make me smile.

Anyway I have spent quite some time watching Adhama and his mama swim around, interact, and display a true mother/baby bond. I love it, and I crave that so very much.

I've been doing pretty good these last couple of days and have not thought about my circumstances as much - but then again around this time of my cycle I usually feel like this.

Not temping or using OPK's has been quite liberating. I know my body well enough to read its signs and symptoms so even if I'm not technically keeping track I pretty much know what's going on. I assume that I have ovulated since I saw EWCM a couple of days ago and got the usual ovulation pain. We will see. Like every other month I say I don't get my hopes up but I really do and then when AF comes I'm devastated.

We got back from the Bay Area Sunday evening. That 8-hour drive felt like it took forever. Since we were all over the place with all kinds of weather I think it may have affected us since we both woke up this morning feeling sick and with a little tingle in our throats. Could be allergies but they haven't gone away yet like they usually do. Don't want to be sick! I haven't been sick with anything in over two years. Maybe it's time . . . but still!

On another note during our trip home I was able to spend some time with my four year old little cousin. I loved it. We don't have any family members where we currently live so being able to interact with family, specially the little ones is very exciting to me. My aunt let me take care of her for a day and holy moly am I inexperienced. She's currently being potty trained so I was on her like every hour to go to the bathroom. Well when I put her down for her nap it never crossed my mind that she wouldn't be able to control going in her sleep! So I found her crying all wet! She had soaked the bed. Oh my goodness I felt terrible and like such a failure! Then she wasn't really eating much she kept sneezing. Anyway I realized that as prepared as I feel in becoming a mother I'll have a lot to learn and look forward too. Among my mess ups that day I loved spending time with the little one and watching her fall asleep. That's priceless to me.

In other news . . . 9/11 what a difficult and sad day. I try to not watch too much coverage because all of that makes me so sad. I'm already sad on my own don't need more to add to it. BUT it's hard to avoid watching when every other channel had something about 9/11 on. I ended up watching this one segment on the children of 9/11 - all of the kids born without fathers because they passed away that day. Okay bring on the tears, they got me real good.

The other one was the interview of one of the wives of a passenger who was on the flight that crashed in Pennsylvania. She was describing how she was watching the coverage worried about her husband and the phone rang. Her mother picked it up and it was her husband. Her mother was excited to hear him and that he was safe. Then she said her mother's face dropped all color and she passed her the phone. That's when he told her he was on a hijacked plane and that they spent the next couple of minutes saying their goodbyes. Now that has to be one of the hardest things to go through. Knowing your loved one has minutes to live and you cannot do absolutely anything. SO SO sad.

That was just another reminder to appreciate everything I have in my life right now and focus on that.

Hello Sacramento! I decided to tag along with my husband on his business trip to Sacramento. We decided to drive to see our family in the Bay Area in the beginning of the week and we'll return there on Friday before heading back to San Diego on Sunday.

Sacramento . . . so far okay. I really wanted to go to museums and visit the state capital since we're staying just down the street but today I decided I'd venture to the mall and kind of acclimate myself. I Yelped a place to eat for lunch and due to lack of parking walked there from the mall. It was only a couple of blocks away so I thought no big deal. Well I didn't feel very comfortable walking in downtown. I felt super paranoid holding on to my purse for dear life. I don't know maybe I'm a scardy cat but still you know you just get a feeling. So I got my sandwich and I hurried my butt back to the mall back to my car and back to the hotel.

I've decided I'll just stay close to the hotel for the next couple of days and wait for my husband in the afternoon and go venture out. :-/ Not ideal but I'll just spend my day catching up on my reading and truly relaxing.

On the TTC front there's nothing much to report and that kind of feels good. I'm suspicious that I may be ovulating soon but ehhhh, whatever for now. I'm just enjoying my time off and living today . . . at least for now.

One thing I forgot to mention. Beyonce pregnant! I watched the VMA's this past weekend and watched her perform and display her baby bump at the end. I don't know that I have ever felt so jealous! The happiness that showed on her face is like nothing I've ever seen. I thought to myself that's what it feels like. I can't wait to feel that one day. I did wonder if she has struggled too. I've never ever seen a celebrity display so much joy announcing their pregnancy. Anyway Beyonce is is due when I would have been due :-( <sigh>  As I see her progress in her pregnancy and have the baby and see the baby grow I'll always remember that.

I would like to start off by thanking all of you for your encouragement and kind words. AF finally came last week and I hit a new low.  I was truly devastated and this time I hurt more than any other time. Again I think having seen what a positive (even if faint) pregnancy test looks like did a number on me.

So for now I'm in recovery mode. I'm taking a break from temping and using OPK's this month. Part of the reason is that when I temp in the morning my IF is the first thing I think about. So how can I live my life not focused or thinking about this when what I do first thing when I wake up everyday reminds me of it.  Anyway this is all Dr. J's advice which I appreciated. At first I had a hard time letting go and accepting I wouldn't temp. At first it felt like I was losing control over the only thing I have control over. He also wanted me to take a break from the herbs but I thought that would be counterproductive toward the routine I've developed.

I'm finishing up the last herbs he had made me and we had a long discussion last friday. He's adjusting my herbs to treat another part of my deficiencies. He feels confident about this next treatment process. I will finish out the year with TCM and if nothing comes of it I will revisit taking clomid.

I'm staying positive and still think TCM will work. Again the chemical pregnancy is as far as I've gotten and I definitely credit that to all of the changes we've made and what my husband and I are doing.

In taking this breather I went to the movies and saw One Day.  I absolutely loved this movie . . . I won't give any spoilers but I got a very positive message from it. My mom gets really bothered with how IF has become my life according to her.  I always argue how can it not be. My life is timed by cycles and my days are counted with whether I'm ovulating or not.  I have very strong feelings about how I don't get pregnant and yes this is always on my mind, more so some times than others. My husband is not going as crazy as me but I can tell that he focuses on comforting me to deal with his feelings about everything. My mom is the one who told me to go see this movie because for months now she's been telling me that I need to live my life. I just wasn't getting it. I didn't know how else to live it.

After seeing the movie I realized that my husband and I are not living our lives. We're just like robots going through the daily motions and not really being here. Do you know what I'm trying to say? We talk every day, we work in the same place we both have the same routine, but when we talk we don't really talk.  I quickly realized after watching the movie that we were forgetting about us. Our love for each other, what brought us together in the first place.

I've spent the last few days contemplating this thought. This past Tuesday marked 11 years since we had met. We met on the first day of class our junior year in high school. I spent most of the day thinking about the day we met and the following months after that. I felt butterflies all over again. We were such kids and we were so "in love". That was a great time in our lives. So on Tuesday I proposed we go out to celebrate and we did. We got a pizza, bottle of wine, and some salad and went up to the mountain where he proposed. We ate, talked, laughed and watched the sunset. We had a great time and it felt soooooo good!

I'm happy we did it and we both realized that we need to start living together again. Focusing on each other instead of the family we don't have because right now, today we are our family. I'm not saying I won't think about IF anymore or any less but we need to start focusing on each other more.

So that's how I'm taking a breather that I hope will lead me to a new sense of living with IF. I've also decided to see a therapist to talk out my feelings and help me learn how to better cope and recover month after month since it only seems to be getting harder for me.

Also I wanted to share with you my favorite blog: Ladies in Waiting Book Club  Check it out! I've really gotten some good advice and insight from this blog and has helped me cope the last couple of weeks. They have this awesome program for this month called Secret Sisters where you sign-up and for the month of September you're assigned to someone as a secret sister and someone different is assigned to you. The point is to keep in touch and make contact at least three times in the month of September with one contact being postal mail. The point is to find someone to encourage and be supportive of and in turn  have someone do that for you too. How amazing is this! I can't wait!

I still haven't been able to pull myself out of my funk.  I'm still upset/mad at my body. I know I'm feeling and doing everything I shouldn't be.  I'm on CD 38 and 17 DPO. I tested on Saturday - BFN, I tested this morning - BFN. My temps are still high and there's no sign of AF anywhere! All I feel is extremely tired with no energy and sad.  I know that if I was pregnant I should have been able to get a positive test by no. So I'm pretty sure I'm not. In that case where the hell are you AF. Let's get this over with so we can move on.

Instead I'm stuck in limbo. I really thought I would be over this by now but instead when I saw the negative this morning my rage came back. I woke up so excited this morning thinking there would be good news and instead the usual. I went back to bed not wanting to leave it. I did not feel like working today or seeing anyone for that matter, but suffering from this ugly disease we have no choice right. We have to wake up every morning and live in this world like nothing is wrong with us and nothing is hurting inside.

As I was laying bed this morning listening to the news in the background I heard about a lady that tossed her seven month old over a parking structure. What the hell is wrong with people. The day before a man shot and killed his 14 month old daughter.

As much as I try to justify what is happening with me by believing that there is a reason behind it and that my time will come I can't help but ask WHY? when things like I heard on the news happen. Why were those children sent to those awful parents and not ME!

I also woke up this morning after my test wishing I would have never seen that BFP last month. It's destroyed me. I know what it feels like now and like someone with an addiction I want to have that feeling again and I'm not getting it. Getting that positive last month through me off balance.

This whole time as hopeful and as much as I want this I had only ever prepared to get negatives because month after month that's what happens and that's what I've focused on dealing with. I never thought about what it would feel like to finally get that positive and get it ripped from you in a matter of days. I never planned for how I would feel and how I would cope with the subsequent month in which I thought I would see a positive again.

My life has always been about plans and goals, and as you can see this all was not in my plan and it is very much out of my control. The only thing I could control is how I dealt with it month after month and now I just feel lost almost like in limbo.

I just pray that in the near future (any day now) I can find my way back to the positive person I was just a few weeks back.

Thank you for sticking with me through this rough patch.

Hope is all we really have. I painted this tile after my miscarriage. I thought it was a nice way to not forget but remember to have hope.

As you can see I haven't posted much since this happened. At the time it happened my parents and sister were visiting us for two weeks. Now that they're gone I can see they helped me get through this. They distracted me, kept me busy, made me happy, made me remember what life felt like before this new life. Since they left I have missed them more than ever and just the other day I realized that it was because once they left I came back down to earth and to my reality.

They're timing was just right smack in the middle of my two week wait. My period is due tomorrow and I have never felt so anxious, and apprehensive about it. What happened to me last month . . . I think I felt okay with it since it was the farthest I have ever gotten, what made me feel better is that I thought if I could get that far two months into this treatment next month it would for sure work.

I don't think it's happening this month and I feel her coming. She's like the grim reaper comes and kills me more and more month after month. As every month comes and goes I thought I was going to be okay until two days ago I was at work on my lunch and I started choking up and then the water works came. I don't know where this comes from but I started sobbing uncontrollably by myself in my office. While it was happening I couldn't believe I was having such a breakdown and honestly it scared me. I had to take deep breaths to calm myself down since I figure any minute someone would be knocking on my door needing me. This cry was different, it was full of pain and I could actually see it. I had cried after the miscarriage but nothing like this. I think this time I actually mourned my baby. Many people have different opinions of when life actually begins, but my little cell was my baby and it could've been but wasn't.

I have been feeling very very sad and cannot describe it in any better way.

After reflecting I think I know what triggered me. The day before my boss came in to my office (she knows what's going on) and asked me how I felt about her talking about babies and mothers, that if I preferred for her not to mention it around me, that I didn't mind or just didn't care and that she wanted to know because she wanted to be sensitive to my feelings.

Well what do you say to that, she caught me so off guard because no one has been considerate of my feelings. I told her I didn't mind and that it's almost impossible to predict how I will feel because it really depends on the time of the month it is.

That said she told me about one of our coworkers on campus that announced she was pregnant and thought I should know since I work with her every once in a while. This person is not the kindest person you'll ever meet and to be honest she's quite rude, condescending and very unpleasant. Of course there are many people like this in this world and I always try and treat people with respect and treat them nicely since that's what I would like in return.

The next morning (day of my sobbing episode) this lady calls me and begins the conversation with "You'll be sorry you answered this call" she proceeded to dump on me for a mistake that happened within my department, started yelling at me and said I was giving her heart palpitations. Uh . . . okay. There is no reason anyone should have to put up with that crap and I usually have a little more leeway for anyone who is my superior but she so is not, but I still did not stoop to her level and kept my cool, solved the problem and got her the heck off the phone.

Immediately as I was having this conversation I thought to myself why does this beezy get to be a mother and I don't!!!!! She doesn't deserve to be a mother. I don't think I have to continue with how I felt and why since I imagine many of you have felt this way one time or another. I know my feelings are wrong but I can't help feeling this way.

So I think the events that lined up the day before and ended with that call is what lead to my heartbreaking sob and realization that this may not happen for me this month or next month or anytime soon. I don't think I've ever cried for such a long period of time where I had even stopped and just thinking about it again made my eyes water. After 30 minutes I made an escape to the bathroom to finish cleaning up my eyes. On the way back one of my good coworkers saw me and knew right away something was up. She also knows and to my luck she studies psychology so she really helped me "recover" for the moment.

I also have to say that I did not tell many of my friends that know of my struggle about my miscarriage. The first friend I told said "Awwww, how are the dogs". I was so heartbroken! This is when I needed her the most and she didn't do crap to console me. That kind of made me shut down and keep this all to myself.

IF sucks in all aspects. My husband has been so supportive through all of this including helping out with the chores of the house since I just come home and veg all afternoon.

I'm worried about the next couple of days. I don't know how I'll react with the news either way.

Please keep me in your prayers! I need them.

Welcome to my blog. I'd like to thank you for taking the time to visit! The support this community has offered me has really made a difference in dealing with IF.

In short (let's see how short I can make it) I'm 27 DH is almost 27 and we've been married for four years together for eleven. We've been trying to conceive our first little bug for 19 cycles now. We both had testing done in February and everything came back looking normal.

Well this journey has not been so normal for us and were learning how to live in this akward phase. It's tough but we get through cycle by cycle.

The doctor wanted to put me on clomid and I didn't feel good about that. Instead i decided to go a bit more natural. I had been seeing a traditional Chinese medicine doctor for stomach ailments which he had cured. He happens to be a fertility specialist. We decided to give him a try and both DH and I are getting acupuncture twice monthly, daily herbs, vitamins and a more active lifestyle with an improved diet. We've both been feeling great. Last weekend I was wrapping up my second cycle on this new regimen.

I took A test last weekend and it was a faint positive! The next day I took another one and it was even lighter. Long story short doctors confirmed a chemical pregnancy.

I'm bum but at the same time I see this as a small victory. This is the farthest I've ever gotten. As one blogger friend commented things can only go up from here (I hope$.

Our planned weekend getaway coincided this weekend and it couldn't have been better timing. I'm truy enjoying the fresh air and the beauty that is nature.

Again thanks for stopping by and I hope you stick around. Sorry for typos. We have no I termed connection so I've been blogging from my iPhone.