Then Comes the Baby in the Baby Carriage

Why is it that not only everywhere I go I see pregnant women but in every magazine I read, and every time I watch TV it feels like another celebrity is pregnant.

I believe my recent angst of pregnant celebrities is because of Natalie Portman. She is every where right now and so is her pregnant belly. She is a constant reminder to me of everything I want and can't have. She seems so happy, she has the "glow", I want that too! I'm so jealous of her sometimes it shocks me. If I would see her I would be like, "Give me that baby bump, and while you're at it toss in that Oscar" I'm not an actor but who wouldn't want an Oscar, right?


The point is I feel surrounded by pregnancy and babies everywhere I go. Learning to live in this world is something so new to me, the feelings and emotions are so raw, so real, so scary. The jealousy I experience is at times so strong it scares me. Instead of smiling when I see a pregnant belly or baby I scowl and turn the other way.  I know this will only get harder, especially the more time goes on, I'm still without baby and friends begin their parenthood adventures.

Just the other day I finally decided to start hiding Facebook posts of those friends that have babies or are pregnant, when it's not an ultrasound picture it's a gestational week update, or their first steps, first smile, first anything. It took me a while to realize and accept that I cannot handle those posts day in and day out. They torture me.

Seeing these things dig this awful hole I have inside my heart deeper and deeper.

I can only hope that there will be a point in time where I can just be okay. That's all I want, to be okay. Hurting so much likes this actually hurts, its exhausting and draining. Little by little I feel like I'm turning into a person I do not know. I do not want to go there.

My goal is to have faith and believe I was put on this treacherous journey for a reason whatever it may be. I hope to find that reason somewhere along the way as well.

So far I have learned that when and if the day comes that I become pregnant I will not post it all over Facebook, not flaunt it to everyone I see and know because I never want to be that pregnant person that inflicts such pain on a person having trouble conceiving. I don't wish this pain on anyone.