I should be feeling like this right now . . .
Instead I feel like I'm here . . .
I don't know how to explain it, maybe it's the herbs maybe it's just me but my life (work, personal, everything) is such a mess right now but I feel fine. I've finally realized most things are out of my control and I can't keep wasting my time worrying about things.
I've been forever a control freak, and probably will be forever but one thing IF has taught me is to start letting go. In doing so I have found a new sense of freedom something I hadn't ever experienced before.
My life was always so planned out, go to school, meet the perfect guy, go to college, graduate, get married, get a master's degree and so on. This was my first road block, the first thing I couldn't control . . . my own body.
If anything maybe this is all happening for a reason, I'm learning an important lesson of life of just being fine, letting things be. I am by no means giving up my goals or plans I have for the future but I'm trying hard to live in the now and just be happy. Dealing with IF is probably one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with and am dealing with. In all of this I'm just now fine.
For the longest I tried to understand why this was happening to me, to us but there is no answer. Coming to that realization has in a sense set me free. I'm in uncharted territory but you know what . . . it feels good.
In keeping positive things have just been flowing with me among all this hecticness. It's almost like I'm in the eye of the storm. Being able to feel this way among chaos has been pretty empowering for me. I have found a new sense of strength.
The herbs, vitamins and acupuncture are great, and I'm starting to think that they are the influence of this sudden clarity I have. My cycle is back on track from what I can tell with the opks, which made me really happy. Being off track last month really threw me for a loop and I wasn't expecting to recover so soon. Usually when I'm off track it lasts several months.
I still can't believe I have been able to drop the coffee. I really didn't think I was going to be able to do it. I'm a huge coffee person, not only did I need it, I loved it! I'm in disbelief but it sure does feel good to not be controlled by a cup of joe. I was never a happy person in the morning without it.
I hope this positive track stays a while for me . . . I like it. :-)
9 comments:
Hi and thanks for visiting my blog! It is so nice to find others to go on this journey with! After reading a bit through your story, I am so intrigued by your choice to do Chinese medicine. I will be very curious how it goes. I am more or less in the same place, although at this point we are going all out with a medicated Clomid cycle. I am beyond nervous about what this will mean for me emotionally, just because there really is no break. You're always having blood tests or dr. appointments, giving shots, or taking meds. It sounds like a lot and I hope I can find some inner calm throughout the whole process. Glad you have found yours! If you have any advice on how to stay calm, I'd love some! So excited to be part of your journey!
Happy ICLW!
Stopping by from ICLW. It's great you are able to stay positive throughout this process. I've recently realized it's out of my control also and am "letting go." I look forward to following your journey!
Hi from ICLW! Wow! I am amazed at your attitude! Keep up the great way of thinking! I have just recently started acupunture and it is amazingly helpful!
Wow, love the attitude! I'm very impressed that you are able to let go and not worry about everything. I find the opposite: the more control I lose with my body, the more I control the things I can. And that's not always a good thing! Keep posting positive things, maybe it will rub off on me!
Hi from ICLW! Your attitude towards everything is great! So much of this is out of our control so you just have to go with it sometimes. I hope everything goes well for you!
Thanks everyone. It has taken me a while to get here. Some days are good and some days are just bad, but again letting go has been nice.
I'm very hopeful about this process and hope it works!
Reading Bean Dreams' post about the five steps of grief made me really reflect about what's going on. I didn't know it when it was happening but I was grieving. I've come to the acceptance stage with choosing the decision to pursue herbs and acupuncture. If this doesn't work I know I'll start the process all over again.
Bean Dreams I was also going to do clomid but I was going to do it with my OB and she wasn't going to monitor me. I didn't feel good about that at all. I figure if this does not work in six months my plan B is to finally be referred to an RE (I have an HMO with 50% infertility coverage so I have to get a referral) and then maybe try clomid but monitored.
I hope I don't have to go that route.
Hi from ICLW.. Love your blog and wishing you all the best.. I will be following you to see your progress!!
ICLW #23
Hello...I absolutley love your blog and I've just awarded you a Versatile Blogger Award :) Follow the link below and spread the love to other blogs you love :)
http://tryingtoconceiveour1st.blogspot.com/2011/05/versatile-blog.html
best of luck for this cycle!!!! so glad you love the acupuncture.... it has made me feel so much better as well!
iclw
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