That has been my motto for the past week. Ever since AF showed I've been reminiscing about the song my mom dedicated to me. It's helped me refocus and somehow find the strength to feel better.

As Charlie Chaplin once wrote . . .

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must  keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile . . .

So with that in mind I'm trying to keep my smile and not get lost in this IF world of gloom.

I have my days, hours even, but when I start to feel down I have my iPod handy and I play the song. It serves as a constant reminder to stay true to myself and have a positive attitude.

Also in pattern of my positive attitude and positive thoughts . . .
I was watching Desperate Housewives last night (I always feel I'm sent hidden messages when I'm watching shows). This particular message was during a scene in which Bree (recently lost boyfriend, business, and feeling let down by the world) is meeting with reverend Sykes. She's looking to get spiritual advice because she's been feeling a lot like "Job". The reverend responds and says he understands what she's feeling but that, "Looking at what has been taken from us is a bad way to go through life. Looking for what we can give to others is far better."

Could this have been more of a slap in my face and wake up call! Yes.  I have to admit that many days I hold a pity party for myself, and I keep thinking of everything God is not giving me, and I have a constant feeling of punishment from all of this. So, I'm trying to make it a goal for myself to, well just forget about myself and my pity parties and focus on what good I can do for others (at least for now). I've decided to volunteer one weekend a month at my local food bank. I feel this will be a good opportunity to get out of my cave and out into the world of giving. I feel it will be a good opportunity for me to meet new people and a great way to give back to the community.  I need this. I need something positive to focus on. I need something to feel good about.

This post may seem a little all over the place but I have a lot on my mind . . .

I went to get my blood drawn on Friday for my CD3 blood work. It was a bit of a mess. I arrived at the clinic and the Doctor's office told me that the clinic would have the blood work request in their system. Well they didn't. They told me they couldn't do anything unless they had the request from the doctor.

I started to panic a bit since these labs were so time sensitive to my cycle. I was lucky enough to still catch my nurse on a Friday afternoon at 4p.m.! She was able to fax the request over to the lab so I could go through with the testing. I was happy . . . aside from that one minor hiccup.

Needless to say I had forgotten how painful it is for me to get blood drawn. They can never find my veins! Aren't I lucky? It just reminded me how awful it will be to start infertility treatments where they'll be taking my blood left and right. Left the lab with a slight throb and what later turned out to be a bruise!

Fast-forward to Monday morning at 9 a.m. I get a call from the doctor's office. My blood test results are in and . . . they found nothing. You would think I would feel relieved but I don't. I asked the nurse so many questions. . . but nope I'm good, everything is normal. Except for the minor fact that they found I'm not immune to chicken pox and I've never had it before therefore I need to get the chicken pox vaccine. I don't know how I feel about this but I will do everything I have to do. The doctor doesn't want me to be at risk of getting chicken pox if I become pregnant.

I also knew I was being tested to see if I was a cystic fibrosis carrier. Well, oops they forgot to request it as part of the labs! Wonderful! So off I got to get more blood drawn next Monday, another bruise.

Working with the insurance company has been a pain. I'm waiting for the request and approval of my HSG exam. My clock is ticking here . . . I'm already on CD6, I only have about four more days when I can have this exam done. I'm KMFX. Thursday morning the hubby goes in for his SA.

I hope we'll have more answers soon. Since we've began testing I thought we would have definitive answers, a problem, something to fix. I don't know how I feel about the fact that they may not find anything wrong. We would be the lucky winners and getting the unexplained infertility label. Yah not really the answer I was looking for. I need something to fix, something to set a goal to. Why can't we get the right kind of luck and not have this problem!

 Here's to hoping.
Category: 1 comments


ADSchill said...

There is nothing worse than feeling like there may be nothing to fix. Even though I know I have pcos, all the doctors say I should still be able to get pregnant. Well I'm not.
I hope you get some answers after all the testing!


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