Thrown for a Loop

Well I thought everything was on a track but then I was thrown for a loop. I tested positive with an OPK on CD17 which is right on target. I use the clear blue digital opks and haven't really liked them. For those of you who use them you'll know that when you eject the test stick you can see the blue lines. Well the day I got my positive there wasn't two lines just the one so that was the first confusion but I got the smiley face so that's all I cared about.

On CD17 I was looking for the EWCM but didin't get anything. On CD18 I had a tiny bit but it could have been semen residue from the night before. I always have a hard time telling the difference.

Come CD22 I have a bunch of EWCM, probably the most I have ever had. I didn't have an opk on me and wasn't able to test until I got home from work, it was negative.

So now it's like what the heck! I don't know for sure when I ovulated the good thing is that the days are not that far apart but it's still pretty frustrating to not know.

So have this ever happened to any of you. Does your positive opk always match up with your ewcm, or have you ever had a positive opk no mucus and then have mucus later?

Just curious to hear everyone's experience.

Other than that things have been pretty good. We really enjoyed our memorial day weekend and are really looking forward to summer. I booked my sister (who is still a teenager and eleven years younger then me) a ticket to come out for the summer for a month. I can't wait to spend time with her.
Category: 3 comments

Things Are Just Fine

I should be feeling like this right now . . . 

Instead I feel like I'm here . . . 

I don't know how to explain it, maybe it's the herbs maybe it's just me but my life (work, personal, everything) is such a mess right now but I feel fine. I've finally realized most things are out of my control and I can't keep wasting my time worrying about things.

I've been forever a control freak, and probably will be forever but one thing IF has taught me is to start letting go. In doing so I have found a new sense of freedom something I hadn't ever experienced before. 

My life was always so planned out, go to school, meet the perfect guy, go to college, graduate, get married, get a master's degree and so on. This was my first road block, the first thing I couldn't control . . . my own body. 

If anything maybe this is all happening for a reason, I'm learning an important lesson of life of just being fine, letting things be.  I am by no means giving up my goals or plans I have for the future but I'm trying hard to live in the now and just be happy. Dealing with IF is probably one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with and am dealing with. In all of this I'm just now fine. 

For the longest I tried to understand why this was happening to me, to us but there is no answer. Coming to that realization has in a sense set me free. I'm in uncharted territory but you know what . . . it feels good. 

In keeping positive things have just been flowing with me among all this hecticness. It's almost like I'm in the eye of the storm. Being able to feel this way among chaos has been pretty empowering for me. I have found a new sense of strength. 

The herbs, vitamins and acupuncture are great, and I'm starting to think that they are the influence of this sudden clarity I have. My cycle is back on track from what I can tell with the opks, which made me really happy. Being off track last month really threw me for a loop and I wasn't expecting to recover so soon. Usually when I'm off track it lasts several months. 

I still can't believe I have been able to drop the coffee. I really didn't think I was going to be able to do it. I'm a huge coffee person, not only did I need it, I loved it! I'm in disbelief but it sure does feel good to not be controlled by a cup of joe. I was never a happy person in the morning without it. 

I hope this positive track stays a while for me . . . I like it. :-)
Category: 9 comments

Happy May ICLW!

Welcome May ICLW's!


IComLeavWe: Join the Conversation

This is my second month participating in ICLW and I'm very excited to make new blogger friends. I find it very valuable to be able to share our stories and our journeys. In the end I think reading how others are dealing with IF is what keeps me sane.

Well our story in short we've been TTC#1 for 16 cycles now. We've obviously have been unsuccessful. Back in February we went to the doctor and asked the "Why hasn't this happened yet" question. We've both been tested and everything has come back clear. I ovulate on a regular basis so my OB/GYN wanted to start me on clomid unmonitored. I decided against that and have decided to try traditional chinese medicine. My husband and I are both taking herbs, vitamins, and getting acupuncture twice a month. We are putting our 100% into this for six months.

We've been on the new regimen for two weeks and so far so good. We haven't missed a dose of anything. I want to give this my all because the last thing I need at the end of six months is to wonder if it didn't happen because I wasn't consistent with vitamins!

We are both very hopeful that this will work since there appears to be nothing wrong with us. Being diagnosed with unexplained infertility has been rough. There's really nothing to fix and it appears that the universe is telling us things have just not been in the right balance for this to happen.

Well we're hoping to balance ourselves and get our bodies to be the healthiest version of itself to see if that makes a difference. I hope it will. It has only been two weeks but my husband and I have noticed a big difference in how we feel and in our overall outlook of things.

I've been a big coffee drinker (huge Starbucks fan), in order for this to work I needed to drop the coffee. I thought it would be a nightmare but it has not been bad at all and I actually don't miss it as much as I thought it would.

So so far all I can say is easy peasy. I'm officially in the 2ww as of today, we'll see what results of this cycle.

To read more about us click on Our Story tab above.
Category: 5 comments

Someone Like Me

In keeping with Operation Smile I've kept myself pretty busy each weekend. I need the distraction. This past weekend I was lucky enough to attend a financial advising seminar by Bill and Giuliana Rancic. For those of you who may not know them Bill is the season one winner of the Apprentice and Giuliana is an E news anchor and they both star in their own reality show Guiliana and Bill. They are struggling with IF and have had IVF and a miscarriage all shared through their reality show.

I experienced something very special with Giuliana this weekend. She's the first person I've met that I can relate on this level - someone just like me. I told her I was right there with her in her suffering and she was sad to hear we were going through it too. Her words were encouraging and we hugged twice. The hug was such a bond, such a silent exchange of "I know how you feel, and it sucks!"

It was pretty amazing. It felt great to meet someone that new exactly what I'm going through, knows the emotions I experience and truly just understood the me today. This just made me realize what a bond we all share. It's an unfortunate one but it's there. No one understands us like we understand each other. What would we be with out each other, how could we cope with all of this.

I'm thankful for those of you out there who read my blog and leave your comments. I'm also thankful for you for sharing your story too. It takes a lot to open up about this and expose ourselves, but what I've gained in return is priceless. You are the way I cope and you are the reason I can get through this and keep semi sane.

Thank you!
Category: 2 comments

A Okay

Well Mother's day was not as bad as I expected it to be. I have to give credit to my hubby for making it special. He bought me some flowers and a gift and took me out to breakfast. Sure it was hard sitting at breakfast surrounded by families all celebrating their moms. I didn't even get to celebrate my mom since she's far away. I had a good time. I had a really good time with the hubby and I didn't hurt, which was nice.

The weather was gray just like it was for Easter but I didn't let it get to me. Instead I decided to bake. We had tons of strawberries on the verge of not being good anymore so I decided to bake a strawberry pie. Well I couldn't have finished the day off any better than with a slice of my strawberry pie. It was delish and put a smile on my face.

Today was Monday and that means back to work, where did my weekend go? Surprisingly I'm doing fine. I dropped the coffee today. Shocker, and I survived without a headache! Amazing stuff. So far so good with my daily herbs, vitamins and temping. I haven't missed a thing which quite pleases me. I just have to keep thinking about the end result and where I'm going and why I'm doing all of this.

Yesterday I was reflecting and truly hoping and praying that this will be my last childless mother's day. I know I knew this already but somehow yesterday reinforced this even more. I want to be a mom so bad! So so bad! I can't even explain why I have this urge, this need so badly. I'm so full of hope right now, so please don't let me down.
Category: 4 comments

Truly Honored

I am so very honored to have been nominated for not only one but two blog awards! I'm fairly new but in a short amount of time I've met so many other bloggers and have connected with so many of you! You are wonderful!

Thank you to Residency Widow at Diary of a Residency Widow for awarding me with the Versatile Blogger!

Thank you to Summastarlet at Just Us . . . For Now. for awarding me with the Stylish Blogger!

Here is how this works:

1.  Winners grab the image and put it in your blog.

2.  Link back to the person who gave you it.

3.  Tell 10 things about yourself

4.  Award 5 bloggers.

5.  Contact the bloggers you have awarded to let them know they have won.

Ten Things About Me . . .

1.  I'm a mutant! Not really . . . but my husband thinks I am. I have this strange birth mark that runs across the back of one of my legs up to my back. It changes colors based on my emotions. It's barely noticeable and the color change is significant enough to notice but nothing outrageous. It basically goes from fair to dark pink or even a light purple-like bruise color. My parents were worried when I was younger so they took me to the doctor and found out what it was. I can't remember what its called but it has something to do with how my blood cells developed as an embryo! Go figure. So if I'm cold it changes color, if I'm angry, nervous or mad it changes color. So I literally cannot hide my emotions.

2.  I have OCD'ish tendencies. My biggest one is that I always have to sit on the right side (once you're sitting) of a plane near the back between the wing and the back which is usually row 21 on Southwest :-) I used to fly back and forth a lot when I was in college and always sat back there because I could get the best views on that side and if the flight wasn't full it was a good chance I could keep the whole row to myself. Well one time I decided to change it up and sat in the first row! The just happened to be the time that my flight had mechanical problems and after being on board for an hour with no AC we had to deplane and find another flight. Never again! I always stick to my usual seat now.

3.  I've never broken a bone. I don't think I want to know what it feels like either. When I was younger I thought casts were so cool and wanted one so bad, but I never got that lucky :-)

4.  I've never had the chicken pox - I don't think I've met another person who didn't get them. I still don't know why I didn't I guess I got lucky in some things.

5. I always have to sleep on the side of the bed that's furthest away from the door. Another OCD tendency. I feel that if someone is breaking in they'll get to the hubby first, he can attack and that gives me more time to run! I know . . . dumb but that's just the kind of crap I think about.

6.  My favorite snack when I was a teenager was orange juice and cheez-its. Everyday after school guaranteed. I don't know how I survived on that diet.

7.  I have met, have an autograph and a picture with the most decorated American Winter Olympic athlete of all time. Yes, I have met Apolo Anton Ohno and yes I have a minor crush!

8.  When I was a little girl I started to dig a hole to China truly believing I would one day get there.

9.  I have a sister who is eleven years younger than me, far apart in age but we're very close. I got to a certain point when I thought I would be an only child. She was a surprise for my parents and the whole family but the best thing that ever happened to me.

10.  I like to teach myself to do things. This winter I taught myself how to knit via You Tube. Sometime this year I'd like to buy a sewing machine and learn how to sew and makes things. My first project will be curtains. Such an old fashioned skill but one I think is so valuable to have.

I nominate the following ladies . . .

1. Lavonne at *Our Wish*
2. ADSchill at MissConception
3. On Standby at Delayed in Dinkville
4. M at Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying
5. Tippy at Tippy and Tidy's Tumultuous Trip to Toddlers
Category: 4 comments

Conceiving a la Naturale

I would like to start off by thanking those ladies who gave me their advice and insight on clomid. I have finally come to a decision and I feel really good about it.

I have chosen to not take clomid. Instead I've opted to go for a more natural approach for the time being. My husband and I are seeing a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor and acupuncturist who we shall call Dr. J. I have previously seen Dr. J for other ailments that other doctors where not able to cure such as my IBS and random foot swelling. I completely trust this guy, in fact I consider him a friend.

He also has a track record for helping couples conceive. His most recent couple became pregnant this past Thursday after 3 1/2 months of seeing him. He told us their case was identical to ours and that they had been trying to conceive for two years. He didn't have to do much to convince. I much rather take herbs and do acupuncture then take hormones with horrendous possible side effects.

Dr. J shared the same concern as many of you did regarding the fact that my doctor was not going to monitor me while on clomid. The more and more I think about it I think I may want to move on from Dr. G and find another OBGYN. I've always seen female doctors because that's what I was comfortable with but I may be limiting the quality of doctors I could be seeing because of this "preference". Anyway that's my thought for now on my OB.

Dr. J said it usually takes about three months for your body to condition itself and accept changes (such as the herbs, change in diet, and building stress tolerance).  I told Dr. J. I would give him six months of my time. He feels pretty confident about this and his confidence makes me feel good.

Choosing to do this is a huge step because it's truly a commitment. It's a commitment to take herbs twice a day at the same time, do acupuncture twice a month, exercise 30 minutes a day for 5 days a week, cut out my caffeine intake completely stay clear of certain foods and eat an abundance of other foods. Take prenatal vitamins, fish oil, multivitamins, vitamin D, and coconut oil. I have to have a strict regimen if I don't I'm only cheating myself, my husband and my baby. 

Now this treatment is not only for me but it's for the hubby too. He will also be taking herbs, vitamins and acupuncture. His SA is fine but he also has a lot of stress, and from an Eastern medicine school of thought stress is a huge factor.

So I guess in a way I feel like I'm conditioning for the Olympics or something. This is huge for me. I have no problem with taking on a lot and being dedicated my problem is seeing it through. I can't miss a vitamin here, skip a day of exercise here or miss a dose of herbs here. If I do and this doesn't work I know I will blame myself. So I want to do this 100%

Our first appointment is on Friday to pick up our herbs, vitamins, oils and have our first acupuncture session together. I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm hoping AF shows up sometime this week so I can track a full cycle and note changes. I'm on CD 32 now and still no AF. I've tested twice and both BFN. So I don't think I'm pregnant. I'm just waiting. I'm ready to get this show on the road.

Plan B? Well I figure I have six months to think about it. I'll figure something out but I'm hoping I don't have to.

I had some interesting conversations with Dr. J about food and fertility. He's recommended a lot of black foods such as black beans, olives because black foods nourish the kidney which therefore nourishes our blood. He told me to stay away from peas. I hadn't heard that one before. I started to wonder how many foods are out there that are actually hurting my fertility so I did some research.

I found this interesting article The Fertility Diet by Lisa Turner which discusses food we should be eating and some foods we should be staying away from. I plan to do more research on this. I find it pretty interesting.

The whole downer to this what to eat what not to eat is knowing I have to cut out coffee, and caffeine. I have a pretty bad coffee addiction. I knew eventually I had to give it up once I became pregnant but before? Boo, sometimes it's the only thing that gets me through the day. I know nothing should have that much control over you but coffee sure does for me. I was shocked to read the following:

         "A joint US/Swedish study of 562 women found that 1-3 cups of coffee increased the miscarriage rate by 30% and more than 5 cups increased it by 40%.(1)  In another study that monitored 1,063 women, the results showed that those subjects who consumed 200 mg or more of caffeine per day (two or more cups of regular coffee) had twice the miscarriage risk as women who consumed no caffeine."

Here is a link to the article: Five easy steps to enhance your fertility

So although not the sole contributing factor I am beginning to think that my coffee intake may be a big reason why I'm going through this difficulty.  I'm the that person that has 2-6 cups a day depending on the stress level for the day. I'm so fired! Yikes!

So we'll see in a couple of months where this decision leads us.
Category: 4 comments
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