Here I am Again

Lorenzo is already 18 months old. How is that possible!  I have been away from the blog world for quite sometime. Looking back, I know why I stayed away. I was silly enough to believe that if I forgot about my struggles to conceive, I would never have to think about that part of my life again, the pain, the sorrow, the loss.

But, here I am, again.  Some perspective . . . I thought that after having Lorenzo, my struggles with infertility would be a fog, and that after having him I would never feel a pang of jealousy again while others got pregnant, or have that yearning and need to have a baby. I thought, once I have a baby I will be complete. Except, I thought I was complete, now we're talking about having another baby and suddenly I feel this old world come down on me. Am I making sense?

I have started to have those feelings again, the ones of jealousy while the majority of my friends and family members are flowing easily into their second, third, even fourth child with little or no effort at all. Here I am, knowing that there have been many possibilities in the previous months for me to become pregnant and I have not. So, there is no rite of passage that equals easiness after your first, or simple luck without trying. Not for me.

I find myself yearning for number two. To see Lorenzo as an older brother playing with his little sister or brother. I caught myself thinking the other day, "Just one more and I'll be complete". Wait a second, isn't that what I said before, "Just one and I'll be complete"?

I'm a bit overcome by emotions. Upset at myself for not just being okay and forgetting how exceptionally lucky I am to have my son. I'm also upset about having to do this all over again. Prior to Lorenzo, I remember not having very much sympathy for people like myself. I used to think at least you have one. Shame on me for disregarding and not knowing at the time that the feelings are just the same and maybe even worse.

As I officially embark on a journey for baby number two, I'm upset. As much as I want another one, I don't know if I can do this all over again. The temping, the taking vitamins, exercising daily, drinking herbs, bi-weekly acupuncture, opks and BFNs! All while chasing a very energetic toddler all over the place.

My biggest fear, is that I feel so reluctant about it all that I don't even want to try. At the same time, I know that I'm trying to shield myself from all the hurt that comes along with it. I told DH the other night, I rather not try then spend the rest of my life living in failure month to month. That was a bit harsh, but definitely what I feel.

Could I be lucky enough to conceive another baby? Can I really do this again?  I just don't know right now.
Category: 1 comments


ADSchill said...

Yes. Just yes. I am almost exactly where you are. The longing for another but so reluctant to do the TTC thing again. If we had a frozen embryo to try with there would be less hesitation but to try on our own again? I really don't want to go through it. For now we are waiting until I feel stronger. You will know when you are ready.

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