Then Comes the Baby in the Baby Carriage

I would like to start off by thanking all of you for your encouragement and kind words. AF finally came last week and I hit a new low.  I was truly devastated and this time I hurt more than any other time. Again I think having seen what a positive (even if faint) pregnancy test looks like did a number on me.

So for now I'm in recovery mode. I'm taking a break from temping and using OPK's this month. Part of the reason is that when I temp in the morning my IF is the first thing I think about. So how can I live my life not focused or thinking about this when what I do first thing when I wake up everyday reminds me of it.  Anyway this is all Dr. J's advice which I appreciated. At first I had a hard time letting go and accepting I wouldn't temp. At first it felt like I was losing control over the only thing I have control over. He also wanted me to take a break from the herbs but I thought that would be counterproductive toward the routine I've developed.

I'm finishing up the last herbs he had made me and we had a long discussion last friday. He's adjusting my herbs to treat another part of my deficiencies. He feels confident about this next treatment process. I will finish out the year with TCM and if nothing comes of it I will revisit taking clomid.

I'm staying positive and still think TCM will work. Again the chemical pregnancy is as far as I've gotten and I definitely credit that to all of the changes we've made and what my husband and I are doing.

In taking this breather I went to the movies and saw One Day.  I absolutely loved this movie . . . I won't give any spoilers but I got a very positive message from it. My mom gets really bothered with how IF has become my life according to her.  I always argue how can it not be. My life is timed by cycles and my days are counted with whether I'm ovulating or not.  I have very strong feelings about how I don't get pregnant and yes this is always on my mind, more so some times than others. My husband is not going as crazy as me but I can tell that he focuses on comforting me to deal with his feelings about everything. My mom is the one who told me to go see this movie because for months now she's been telling me that I need to live my life. I just wasn't getting it. I didn't know how else to live it.

After seeing the movie I realized that my husband and I are not living our lives. We're just like robots going through the daily motions and not really being here. Do you know what I'm trying to say? We talk every day, we work in the same place we both have the same routine, but when we talk we don't really talk.  I quickly realized after watching the movie that we were forgetting about us. Our love for each other, what brought us together in the first place.

I've spent the last few days contemplating this thought. This past Tuesday marked 11 years since we had met. We met on the first day of class our junior year in high school. I spent most of the day thinking about the day we met and the following months after that. I felt butterflies all over again. We were such kids and we were so "in love". That was a great time in our lives. So on Tuesday I proposed we go out to celebrate and we did. We got a pizza, bottle of wine, and some salad and went up to the mountain where he proposed. We ate, talked, laughed and watched the sunset. We had a great time and it felt soooooo good!

I'm happy we did it and we both realized that we need to start living together again. Focusing on each other instead of the family we don't have because right now, today we are our family. I'm not saying I won't think about IF anymore or any less but we need to start focusing on each other more.

So that's how I'm taking a breather that I hope will lead me to a new sense of living with IF. I've also decided to see a therapist to talk out my feelings and help me learn how to better cope and recover month after month since it only seems to be getting harder for me.

Also I wanted to share with you my favorite blog: Ladies in Waiting Book Club  Check it out! I've really gotten some good advice and insight from this blog and has helped me cope the last couple of weeks. They have this awesome program for this month called Secret Sisters where you sign-up and for the month of September you're assigned to someone as a secret sister and someone different is assigned to you. The point is to keep in touch and make contact at least three times in the month of September with one contact being postal mail. The point is to find someone to encourage and be supportive of and in turn  have someone do that for you too. How amazing is this! I can't wait!