Cleaning Out My Closet(s)

The end of last week was my low point for the month. After having such a positive month my hormones got the best of me. I had an acupuncture session after work on Friday and I was expecting to have a quick turnaround in attitude.

Usually during the session I end up falling asleep. This time no such luck, my mind was all over the place and I felt it was very reflective of my current state of mind. I went from looking and observing the staples in the ceiling that hold the bamboo in place to thinking about my family, the drama between my aunt and mom, my husband, my desperation of wanting a baby, work, and my friend's baby. I say my friends baby as in the one she never had and I went to the clinic with when she had the abortion.

I am pro choice but I am also pro life. Is that possible, many people feel you have to be one or the other. I'm not I respect that women should have the right to choose but I sure will do everything in my power to convince a friend for life and keeping a baby. This situation haunts me greatly. She didn't keep the baby and I felt it was for selfish reasons, but ultimately it was her decision. This happened five years ago. Five years ago I was still in college and although I knew I wanted children one day it's not something I thought about often. When this situation occurred I was astonished that my friend would chose to end her pregnancy. I was her friend and I was there to support her. It was the most awful experience of my life. I remember being in the clinic and seeing women who were already showing!!!! I never forget her due date either. It was September 28th. This September the baby would be turning five years old!

Point being . . . I was laying on that table during acupuncture thinking and praying to God to send me that baby that my friend didn't want but I did. I think of that baby often more so now. I just hope that one day it will be sent my way.

As I lay on the table I also knew that I had to move on from my pity party and get my head straight and back in the game. This emotional instability was killing me.

I left the session tired and cold. When I got home I just felt blah. Dr. J said tomorrow will be a new day and you can start over. My session went well, he's happy that DH and I are progressing so well with our diet and taking the herbs and vitamins. The only place I wasn't so committed to was the exercise yet.

This bugs me because I know I need to lose weight and it's almost like I chose to do nothing about it. This really bugs me about myself. I would definitely say this is my weakness. I have tried so many diets, eating plans and I fail miserably or I succeed (the most has been 35 pounds) but I self sabotage myself back to where I started.

So Friday I had all of this on my mind. My period is late but if I go by my EWCM and not my positive OPK I still had a few days to go. I was already getting the cramps, sore boobs, and back pain so I knew something was up.

Due to my dear friend the thermometer I am forced to wake up at 5:30 a.m. even on the weekends to get that temp so I stay as consistent as possible. I usually fall back to sleep immediately but this Saturday I was just laying there checking Facebook on my iphone, sending emails to people, texting my sister good luck on her SAT II. Okay hello . . . I thought to myself that I have never ever walked my three dogs so early in the morning and it would be neat to try it for once.

By now it was 6 a.m. and I woke and convinced the hubby to come walking with me (no way I was going alone, I'm too chicken to go out that early by myself). So he assumed we were doing our regular ten minute walk around the block, little did he know I had my atm card and we were walking the mile and a half to the grocery store to get groceries to make omelets for breakfast (I'm big on breakfast).

Forty five minutes and 2.6 miles later of speed walking we were back home. That was so refreshing and I loved it! I was full of energy and was going Rocky Balboa on my hubby and it wasn't even 8 a.m. Loving the feeling.

For sometime I have wanted to clean out my closets, donate some clothes shoes, organize, clean out my drawers and just get organized. Dr. J says de-cluttering your home helps get rid of bad energy and de-clutters your mind.

So . . . after breakfast I decide it's time to clean out my closets! !! I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS GETTING MYSELF INTO!

I started in my room and started with my closet. It felt great get everything out and getting rid of stuff. I realized not much fits me anymore. More motivation to exercise. I got rid of the clothes though because once I do lose weight I will buy new clothes! Went through the PJ drawers and all of my other drawers. Everything is nice and clean and I love it!

Yes this is a lot like what I experienced!

He made dinner that night and I was eating super fast - I was famished. He told me to slow down and THAT my friends is the straw that broke the camel's back. He pissed me off so much by telling me to slow down, I went into a fit and told him to let me eat how I wanted I was tired and in pain then wait for it . . . the tears started coming. I couldn't believe it myself as it was happening. I was crying about everything!!!!! Being tired, my body hurting, being pissed at my body for giving all of AF's signals and running to the bathroom to find nothing! I was upset that I had overstuffed all of our Ikea drawers so much that the bottom of the drawers were buckling (even though hubby told me many times to not stuff them anymore). I was crying because I found a post it from when I went to see the OB in 2008 with a list of five cycles (all pretty accurate) and I had written that I had stopped taking BCP on September 21, 2008! That was almost three years ago!! I had forgotten about this time period of trying. It was right before I started grad school. Once I started in January 2009 we had stopped trying.

I was almost this bad. I couldn't even talk while I was crying.

This got to me so much because I had not realized that three years have gone by with baby on my mind. Three years for my body to regulate and it still doesn't have its shit together!!!!!

I also was crying because finding all of my transcripts and admissions letter which felt like I received yesterday had happened almost ten years ago! Ten years! Where the heck has the time gone!!!

So as you can see I was a hot mess! My husband was like "Are you okay?" I couldn't stop crying! I guess I had to just let it all out. I didn't realize so much was bothering me and affecting me. The scary part it that I realized yes, your clutter is very symbolic of your life and not wanting to deal with the mess says something about your reality.

Cleaning out my closets meant so much more. It turned out to be an emotional cleanse. I'm proud to say that after two days of cleaning I'm done with the inside. I still have to hit up the garage (maybe next weekend). I have found yet again a new sense of calm and peace and refocus. I'm ready to move forward with developing an overall healthier lifestyles and leave my excuses of "I've had a hard day" behind.

I am an emotional eater as much as I don't like to admit that. I know I have a lot of issues to work through but I know I'm on my way. This weekend was a big sign for me. I'm obviously holding on to a lot more than I think I am.

So ladies I challenge you to clean out your closets! See what comes of it!

She finally showed today . . . moving on . . .
Category: 1 comments


ADSchill said...

Sorry you went through that but it sounds like you needed to. Give yourself some credit for dealing with more than most women have to regarding conception. It's a hard and emotional road.
I know all of us wants to feel strong and confident, but sometimes the weight gets to us and we have to let it out.
I'm glad you have new focus and cleaned out your 'closet'.
Good luck with all you are trying to accomplish.


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