That Evil Evil Stick

From my previous posts many of you know that I have found a new sort of calm. I've been doing great but I do have to say that my mixed results of OPK and EWCM have thrown me off a bit. I'm not the type to obsessively pee on a stick. I hate torturing myself that way, I hate seeing the negatives so I usually wait.

I tested on CD 30 (I'm usually 31 days). According to OPK that was 12dpo but according to EWCM it was 9dpo. If my opk was right the test should recognize the hormone but if my ewcm is on target 9 days is still kind of early but I would expect a faint line possibly?


Why did I do this to myself! I know it's too early to come to a solid BFN but today is CD32 no AF and my temps are slowly creeping down, still above cover-line but not going up.

I haven't told the hubbs yet. I so look forward to the day that I can tell him we're pregnant so I always test in private. I feel bad keeping it from him but I don't his hope to go away until I know for sure. I may have to come clean tonight during our acupuncture visit.

Before I tested I was feeling so hopeful even though I had previously told myself not to expect anything this cycle. I drives me crazy how I do this to myself. I get so hopeful every month almost to the point where I feel I'm in denial that I have a problem all over again. I used to think that when AF showed my hope had started to fade little by little but it's not that. I've realized that every time she shows I get more and more fearful that we will never have a biological child. It scares me, it hurts me, and although my goal is to be a parent I have not reached the point of acceptance that I will never get to meet our children, the ones that are supposed to look like us and have our gestures.

It kills me inside to have such selfish feelings. I just want this so bad and I can't see myself not wanting it anymore. I try to trick myself into thinking that I don't care and that it won't matter in the end but I can't keep lying to myself.

We were at a BBQ this past weekend with two other couples that have kids. I don't think I have ever felt so left out. I notice that I start to shy away from kids, because talking to them and touching and caressing them only reminds me of what I don't have and what I so badly want.

I'm sorry to be such a downer toady, I need to let it out since I haven't shared with my hubby how I'm truly feeling. It probably doesn't help that my 27th birthday is lurking around the corner.

I'm looking forward to my acupuncture appointment today, hopefully all of my bad and downer energy can get extracted.

I don't know if I will test again soon. Since it appears my OPK was wrong and maybe my EWCM was I have three more days to wait to see if she comes.

Category: 4 comments


ADSchill said...

Don't feel bad. We've all been through it. And ya know what? I have had my ewcm come after the opk as well and vice versa. It was confusing as hell. I have nothing to say about that, but I guess that just means more BD!
I also refrain from bogging my hubby down with all the negativeness. I don't always share when I am sad or when i get a negative hpt. I just don't want both of us hurting when it can just be me. I try to seem stronger than I sounds like you are the same way.

Thanks for being such a great support and bloggie friend.

Cyndi said...

Thanks MissC. The acupuncture helped some today and I think it all comes down to me being hormonal. Damn hormones!

JustHeather said...

I'll second that: damn hormones!!

Sorry the tests are coming out negative. It is frustrating to see them over and over. I too try not to tell hubby every time I get a negative test or when I'm feeling down, but sometimes it just flows out. *hugs*

Diana said...

I am going to be testing soon with these evil sticks so I'm sure I will be cussing some of them out :/ I know my ovulation is all out of whack! ugh!

Hang in there! Hope today was a better day for you. *hugs

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