What to Believe?

The doctor determined I had a chemical pregnancy.  As devastating as this has been for me I also see It as a small victory. This is the farthest I’ve ever gotten and I have to believe it happened because of all the positive changes I’ve recently made. I’m not going to lie, it’s been a tremendous amount of work. I think it has all been well worth it because not only am I hopefully getting closer to my end goal I feel (and the hubby feels too) in the best shape of my life! 

Giving up the coffee and for the most part caffeine has really made a significance difference in how I deal with stress. I’ve had quite the stressful summer at work and going through all of this in general but I feel I’ve been handling it pretty well. 

My life has been less than perfect in the last several days nearing weeks. 

To begin with as you all know my cycle was so wonky. I expected it though, exercise every day, improved diet, herbs, vitamins acupuncture my body is in total shock and I think trying to find some new balance. I ovulated very late which I knew the egg would be old and I didn’t expect it to take.  I started spotting for several days before AF’s due date. I never spot I usually just start my flow. So that was odd but because I really don’t like to read too much into things I didn’t. The day AF was supposed to arrive I tested just because I wanted to double check. Negative – well I’m used to that so on with life!

Meanwhile I woke up one morning with the worst pain in one of my breasts. It’s hard to even explain the sensation but I had never felt something like that. Again not reading into thinks I made a mental note to watch out for that in case it was something else. That same day I went to get frozen yogurt. I got a yummy raspberry flavor. I had one lick and it didn’t taste like anything at all! Refusing to think it was just me I had hubby try it and he said “No, it’s you.” Okay again brush it off. 

Friday was our biweekly appointment with Dr. J. I told him about the negative test and then everything I had been feeling. He noticed my pulse was different. He determined I was either pregnant or my body was regulating itself. The whole time inside I was getting a little just a little bit of excited but I know too well and I was like okay. 

Saturday rolls around . . . I’m out running errands with the hubby and I just totally broke down (I blame it on the hormones) but when I cry I cry with so much emotion. I was just frustrated that I hadn’t gotten my period and just wanted it to come instead of playing games with me. Every time I was going to the bathroom I was checking and nothing. I was going crazy. It was him who convinced me to take another test. 

We get home from errands and I take the test. I usually watch as the urine streams through the test and as you all know the control line shows up immediately. I always imagined if I had a positive that it would show up immediately too. It didn’t so I just set it down while I finished my business. When I got up I saw this something I never had seen before. A shadow maybe? Then I held it at all angles and I could see it. It was faint but it was a second line! I called hubby in because I thought I was crazy. He saw it too, so I decided to take a second one and it showed up again!

If you follow my posts you’ve seen the pictures of the test. I didn’t know what to think or how to react. The fact that it was light concerned but it was still positive! Then I was bummed that I couldn’t hold it in because I always had big plans for the big reveal to the hubby and that was the last way I expected to spill the beans about the bean :-)

To top it off my little sister (15 years old) is visiting so she heard all the commotion and found out too. We were on our way out to see Harry Potter and as excited as I was about the movie I couldn’t get over what had just happened. I was cautious about the whole thing but I was still excited I’m not going to lie.

I knew to test the next morning and expect a darker line then I would feel really good. That’s not what happened. I woke up so excited ran to the bathroom took the test and the line hardly showed up anymore it was so faint! I walked into my bedroom hubby so anxious it broke my heart to tell him. At the same time I had started bleeding a lot more. 

I called the doctor’s office because I wanted a blood test to confirm I wasn’t crazy and this had really happened. I call at 8:23 and they didn’t call me until 4:17 p.m.! I was so upset! I knew the longer I waited to test the harder it was to catch the hormone in my blood stream. Thankfully I made into a testing center on time! 

I got a call the next morning (yesterday) telling me that there were no more hormones left and either it was a faulty test or early miscarriage. I refuse to believe that three tests could be wrong.

All of this is going on and rewind several days back to last Thursday when I discover my five year old poodle’s dewclaw is growing back! He had gnawed at it so much it was swollen and pussy. I knew that wasn’t going to be good. Took him to the vet and sure enough he was going to need surgery but the earliest that could be done is Tuesday! That meant four more days of constantly watching him because even with an e-collar and a gauze wrap he was managing to remove the gauze and go at it with his leg. Thankfully his surgery went well; no more dewclaw and I get a nice bill for $570 I wasn’t counting on! Wonderful! 

It gets worse! 

Monday when I’m going through all of this torture and hurt I’m outside watering my tomatoes when I slip, roll my ankle and fall flat on the ground onto my tomatoes into the mud (since I had just watered). All I could think was REALLY YOU’RE FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME! Then the second round of waterworks came. I was wet, muddy and devastated and no one literally around to pick me up. I cried like a big baby and I felt like one. I tumbled and my world came tumbling with me. 

Yesterday I decided to get over myself and move one. So I went for a nice long bike ride. It was amazing and I’m so glad I did it. It felt great except my butt would tell you a different story.

I woke up this morning with an extreme irritation in my whoha. I’ve had this feeling before. It itches like crazy! Last time I had my pap they called to tell me I had BV (Bacterial Vaginosis). I had no symptoms but apparently I had it. I got pills and since I didn’t have symptoms I really couldn’t tell if I got rid of it. Come May I had this awful itching and I felt like I had a UTI. I go to Urgent Care and sure enough UTI and apparently the BV was back. This time the doc said it could be that the hubby and I are just passing it back and forth so he got pills too. It went away and so did the itching but suddenly the itching is back!!!! So I go to the doctor today which was nice because I actually got some face time instead of the nurse on the phone.  Pending test results we’ll see if I have BV again, and she told me no you don’t pass BV back and forth with your partner. She talked about clomid again and she said whenever you’re ready take it. I talked to her about my concern with clomid and the side effects including the thinning of the lining. She said that would be counterproductive to trying to get pregnant so no, that’s not a side effect.

Honestly I don’t know what to believe anymore. I had also read that BV can affect your fertility and she said no that’s not true either. Okay . . . I don’t know if I feel more comfort or more confused now but I have to believe these people know what they’re talking about.

She was happy to hear about my progress health wise and the herbs and acupuncture. She said whenever I want to try clomid to just let them know. So for now that’s in the back of my mind. 

Hmmm so here I am dumping all of my thoughts on you. Again I feel okay but some random act of something makes me breakdown. Today when I was at the doctor office my eyes started to water bad! There were nothing but couples there, one very pregnant and happy, one you could just tell found out, and here comes another happy lady with her belly. Then I look down and see parenting magazines. I felt attacked and vulnerable. So I expect to feel vulnerable for a while until I return to my chipper self. I can’t wait to get there.
We’re going up to the mountains this weekend and staying in a cabin next to a lake. We’re meeting my parents up there so I’m really looking forward to getting away from it all even if it’s just for a few days.

Thank you all for your support. You know it means the world to me.


Anonymous said...

Wow! That is a lot in such a short time. I'm sorry for your loss. I had a chemical pregnancy too. While it is a good sign that we were able to get pregnant, it is still incredibly painful (or at least has been for me).
I hope that life turns around a bit for you this week. You deserve a break!

Diana said...

Oh nooooo!! Im so sorry about this. =( it breaks my heart. Life can be so unfair sometimes. But we gotta keep going strong. I know if I say "at least you were able to get pregnant " that won't help at all. I don't want to say it like that. Just know things really do happen for a reason. I'm praying for you and that u find peace and surround yourself w lots of love. Good for u and those positive lifestyle changes! Big hugs to you. Again, I'm sorry.

Jen said...

So sorry about your chemical. I totally know how it feels to get that faint line and go running to your husband hoping he can explain it to you. Make sure you give yourself the time to feel whatever you need to feel right now. It's a really weird place to be.

Cyndi said...

Diana - I know that even though it's a loss it was a great victory. That's the only good to come of all this.

Jen - I couldn't describe it better myself. It is a weird place. Like I mention before I think I'm fine and then one random moment I'm so not okay. It sucks.

Residency Widow said...

Cyndi I'm so sorry to hear about your rough week. I've been thinking about you and wondering what happened with the tests after your last post. I'm sorry that it turned out to be a chemical. I hope that you are able to feel better soon and figure out what the next steps are that you want to take. Take care.

ADSchill said...

All of that just sucks. I am sorry you have to go through one thing after another. Isn't that how it seems to work sometimes?

I hope that you start getting good news and that you can figure out where your journey is heading. Nothing feels better than having a plan and being on your way.

I wish you luck and some relaxation in the mountains!

C said...

You poor thing. You've been through so much in such a short amount of time. It definitely sounds like a chemical pregnancy. A line is a line and your pictures prove it. I'm so sorry you miscarried :(

Enjoy your weekend, and time with family in the mountains. Sounds lovely!


Kelly said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I admire your outlook though, as painful as what you are going through is.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time. Only way to go now is up though right?

ICLW #69

Melissa said...

I found your blog through ICLW, and am a new follower.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how difficult having an early miscarriage can be. I'm glad you're pouring your emotions out into the blog. It's really great therapy. I hope that your next BFP occurs quickly and results in your much dreamed about take home baby!

Nikki said...

Chemical pregnancies are the worst. No one understands them (I can't tell you how many times I've had people tell me it's no big deal because I "wasn't really pregnant.")

I was told by my urologist that UTIs can affect fertility and cause miscarriages, but I had never heard that before.

I hope things turn around for you. Sounds like it has been a tough time.

ICLW #104

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry you came so close only to have it pulled away from you. During our battle with secondary infertility and repeat pregnancy loss, I grew to HATE with a passion the term chemical pregnancy. I hope next time you get a positive, it sticks around for the long haul.

ICLW #13

Tippy said...

i'm so sorry for your chemical. i've had 2 and they suck. its really an awful feeing. and i'm so sorry that you are struggling emotionally right now, but just know that it's 100% perfectaly normal. enjoy your trip up to the mountains. they are very soothing for me :-) happy ICLW (Tippy #80)

Anonymous said...

Hello from ICLW! I am so sorry that you experienced a chemical pregnancy like that. They really suck, especially when they mess with your emotions and hormones really bad like that. But, like you said, at least you got to that point and so that may be a very good sign! Improved health and living has a way of really helping in that area for some women. I know it is still going to be a long journey, but you have a lot of support behind you. It's okay to cry, even if it is just over spilled milk, or a parenting magazine, or not being able to open a jar on your own (own the jars...my worst enemy when my hormones are out of wack). Chin up, love. Take the weekend to relax, and jump back in when you are ready to!

ICLW #114

Anonymous said...

My friend who is an OB/GYN very succinctly said this-and it resonated with me....
We deliver babies, we're great at doing that. We aren't experts at getting you pregnant with babies and honestly you will waste far too much time and be told far too many inaccurate things about fertility medications, your bodies response to them and most likely have one of us tell you there is nothing wrong just go home and keep trying. Do NOT take fertility advice from your gyno-seek the assistance of a Reproductive Endocrinologist-in most cases you will be wasting very valuable time!

While I am sure there are some good gynos out there-I would not believe for 1 second any doc who told me clomid doesn't cause a thinning of your lining and thickening of your cervical mucus-because that is absolutely not true-more than 60% of women who take clomid have issues with one or both! On the upside, clomid is great at helping you mature a follicle before cd20-which means chances are much higher that it will be a healthy egg, especially if you can force your body to pop it out with a trigger shot before it sits too long-and if thats the case, clomid is cheap, a trigger shot not as cheap-but all in it would be the cheapest way to become pregnant aside from a natural cycle!!!

If you are on clomid (or any follicle stimulating drug for that matter)-your OB/GYN/RE should be monitoring you via ultrasounds so you know exactly how thick your lining is by ovulation, and what type of follicles you are making so you know if this is a drug you can use-it would be pointless to force your body into making egg(s) if your lining isn't thick enough to support a fertilized egg for implantation-thats a recipe for future heartbreak-which you absolutely do not deserve!!!
Good Luck!!!!

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