I'm scheduled to have my HSG exam tomorrow. I am not as nervous as I anticipated I would be - I feel more curious than anything.

I'm curious to know if I will have answers tomorrow.

So far I've had my CD3 blood test - everything came back normal, no PCOS, good ovarian reserve, no thyroid problem. Hubby's SA came back normal all his numbers were within the normal range.  So now . . . it's just getting through this HSG. My cycles are very punctual and as each goes by I worry more and more about what is actually wrong with ME. I just feel so helpless at times. I want answers but at the same time I am so scared to know.

When I got my period last week I thought I was okay. Only to completely break down the next day after I got a phone call from my vet telling my one of my three dogs has a thyroid problem on top of having epilepsy and a heart murmur. All I felt was "really, are you kidding me!" "Can't You just leave me alone!" Sometimes I find it hard to not be mad at Him. Then I feel guilty for having those thoughts. Blah, it's just something I'm still working to get through.

On another note it's very nice to see infertility issues being addressed more on television. Grey's Anatomy has touched on it some with Meredith having trouble conceiving after a miscarriage. I thought they were doing a poor job of showcasing the emotions that come with all of this but thought they nailed it last week when Meredith shares her frustrations with her husband Derek:

"Yesterday, at the baby shower… I was jealous of Callie. Because she got pregnant without trying. And we try. I get shots, I take my temperature, I put my legs in the air… And nothing. The universe has screwed you, Meredith. And gives Callie a kid. And then puts Callie through a windshield. I mean, what the hell is going on? What's the point? I mean, is there a reason for this? Because if you can think of a reason, any reason at all why the universe is so screwed up, and random and mean… Now it'd be an amazingly good time to tell me because I really need some answers…''

 Meredith pretty much summed it up. Of course emotional me started crying. I applaud her for her acting because when she started talking about how she felt I saw myself. Even the way she covered her mouth when she began to cry - I saw myself. Always trying to keep it in, staying strong and even as those tears start to poke out you keep fighting the urge and try to keep it all in.

I also like to watch Parenthood and a couple on that show is going through infertility issues and in the last episode Julia and Joel go through the testing phase.  Joel afraid it may be him with the problem celebrates when he finds out he isn't the problem. At the end of the episode Julia discovers she has intrauterine scarring making it difficult for them to conceive. She breaks down and says "Sorry, I'm so sorry" to Joel. Again, I saw myself. Sometimes when I cry with my husband I keep apologizing because I feel this is so my fault and I hate that I cannot give him a baby. Again - an issue I have to work on and move on from.

Well all in all it feels good to not be alone, this is an awful club to be part of but it's not just me, and that makes me feel a little bit better.
Category: 3 comments


ADSchill said...

Oh my gosh, I watched that Grey's episode and cried my little heart out. I could see my husband getting teary too.

It's so hard not to blame yourself, when you haven't DONE anything. I feel guilty all the time. I feel you sister.

We're here to support each other and be there for one another. It will get us by. That, and a margarita. :)

ADSchill said...

I wanted to leave you another message to thank you for your recent comment on my last post. You really made me smile and tear-up. I appreciate your support so much and am so grateful to have found you.

I will post something about Grey's tomorrow. It really touched me. Just as you do.

Thank you.


Cyndi said...

I meant every word. You really have helped me to learn how to cope with this awful truth of my life right now. Thank you!

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