Life Can Be So Unfair!

This is my first time participating in IComLeavWe! Welcome readers. I've just started my blog several weeks back and have found it to be a great outlet and good way of coping in the the land of IF. To the right you will see our story (the short version). Thanks for stopping by, I love chatting with fellow infertiles, it makes this journey a little bit easier. It's always nice to know you're not alone.

Fair - it's an early lesson you learn as a child. How to be fair when playing with others, being fair and sharing your toys, being fair when you said you'd split that candy bar. Fair. Well life is so not fair and at times it just plain sucks! You don't learn that lesson as a kid.

I'm so frustrated with myself and I finally broke down today. In trying to be strong and being okay sometimes I think I make it worse because when that first bit of tear wants to come out of my eye it's all downhill from there. I sound like a little girl that tripped and skidded her knees. I mean I'm wailing and all here. I get upset that I let myself get to that point.

This cycle was supposed to be good cycle. I had my HSG, everything came out good, so my chances of conceiving this cycle are supposed to be better than they have been since I had the "flush".

I'm beyond mad at my body because of all months I don't think I even ovulated this cycle or will ovulate. I started using clear blue digital opks (I used the non-digital CB in the past) so I never got my happy face instead I got that ugly O empty looking face. Well screw you too! It may very well be possible that I did ovulate but maybe tested too early? I don't know. I'm on CD 23 and have no clue what to expect in the next couple of days. All I know is that I'm super emotional and I can't stand it!

I traveled twice in the same week this month (more traveling then I do in a year sometimes) and I think that may have thrown my cycle off too. I thought going somewhere and relaxing would have helped me but instead I think it had the opposite effect.

On top of all of this I've had the worst week ever at work. It's just been awful and it finally got to me today. I never used to consider my job stressful but I've been coming home so exhausted that all I want to do is go straight to bed!

Then this whole Clomid thing and my doctor is really bothering me. Throughout all of the tests I had done I never spoke to my doctor again. The nurse would call me with my test results and tell me that everything looked good. For my HSG I thought my doctor was going to want to see me and consult on what to do next and where we go from here but NO instead I get a call from the nurse who tells me the doctor is ready to prescribe Clomid, she said she talked to you about it already. Uh Okay, thanks, I guess. I'm just so anxious to see a BFP that I will do anything but for the first time I feel I need to halt a little bit. First of all, am I asking too much by wanting to see my doctor to discuss these things, do I not at least deserve a phone call?

From what I have read most women are monitored while they start taking clomid to see the effects to the cycle, and uterine lining etc. Well it looks like I'm not getting any of that. Basically, here's some pills good luck! Thanks!

So I'm trying to do research on my own about clomid but you read so much online it can drive you crazy. My main concern is that I appear to not have any problems right now. Is taking this medication going to give me problems such as cysts etc? I've also read in many places that clomid reduces the uterine lining so how am I supposed to sustain a pregnancy?

So . . . life can be so unfair and sucky! Again, why me? Why was I the chosen one? I don't get it yet. I hope I do soon. I'm sorry this is such a pessimistic post but I've had it today.

I'm happy that tomorrow's Friday. I'm looking forward to the weekend to refresh and renergize and get myself together because frankly I'm a hot mess right now.
Category: 6 comments


Residency Widow said...

Thank you for the comment on my blog. Funny thing is I had actually stopped by yours earlier but ran out of time to leave a comment before you got to mine. :)

Anywho I'm sorry you're having a rough day. Nothing about this journey really seems fair. Personally I think it's understandable that you would be frustrated with your Dr right now. Clomid can be a great tool but a lot of Drs like to give it out like candy. I would strongly recommend monitoring for a variety of reasons including cysts, thinned linning from repeated use, and making sure you actually do respond. It might be worth getting a second opinion about if you don't feel satisfied with your current provider.

ADSchill said...

Sorry dear! Gosh I know how frustrating it can be to get all your information from the nurse. Like you aren't even important enough to warrant a call by your doctor.

If it makes you feel better, I did all my medicated cycles with just my nurse practicioner. I even did my first IUI with the nurse.

I am concerned however that they are not monitoring your cycle at all or even suggesting it. Clomid can produce cysts and a thin lining. You don't want to be on Clomid if you have a cyst! I would talk to your nurse about it. Or maybe as to try Femara next time. It is less likely to cause cysts and doesn't thin your lining.

Just a suggestion.


Summastarlet said...

Happy ICLW!

I am sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. TTC is not an easy ride and it really does suck. :(

I would definitely be asking for some monitoring while using Clomid.

Wishing you the best of luck on your journey. xx

Cyndi said...

Thanks for your advice! I think I definitely will give my doctor a call and request a sit down. There's just something that's bugging me about this. I just have a weird feeling about it.

M said...

Hello! I didn't do ICLW this month, but am still checking out a few new blogs and stumbled upon yours. :) My doctor also handed me a prescription for Clomid this month and said come back if you don't get pregnant. I really debated about what to do, and finally after much research and advice from bloggers I called the RE and am not filling the prescription. They were able to take me right away and will monitor me if that's what they still recommend. Good luck! I look forward to reading the rest of your journey.

Cyndi said...

M thanks for your thoughts. That's what I'm leaning toward. Here's the unfortunate/fortunate part. I switched to an HMO because they provide 50% infertility coverage (that's the fortunate part). The unfortunate part is the fact that I have to have a referral for everything! Including the RE. So basically I can't pass go until this doctor gives me the pass!

I feel a bit tied down. I think ultimately I'm going to request to meet with her again.

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